Big ups to the DoD, what few of you there may be! Many of you may have been wondering where I have been for the last few months. Well, that's a long story. I may tell it to you sometime when I've have enough beer. Suffice it to say that my plans to become the sexiest Industrial Arts teacher in North Carolina on one leg have become waylaid. Long story short, I was just released after serving 2 months of a 18-month sentence (off on good behavior, thank you) for aggravated assault at the Wyoming State Penitentiary Complex in Rawlins. 
Here's a piece of advice that I hope all of you will take: do not serve as your own attorney in a criminal trial. BTW, I have included a picture of my temporary home on the right (cell block 9 in the house!) The worst part of it was that none of this would have happened if it weren't for my former main squeeze, T-Dizzle himself (like gasp, right?)!
Here's a piece of advice that I hope all of you will take: do not serve as your own attorney in a criminal trial. BTW, I have included a picture of my temporary home on the right (cell block 9 in the house!) The worst part of it was that none of this would have happened if it weren't for my former main squeeze, T-Dizzle himself (like gasp, right?)!Everything was going great. I had a swell Thanksgiving dinner with Twyla, her brother Cletus and her mother Aura Lee. Her mother makes the best sweet potato pie. It had like tons of marshmallows, brown sugar and pecans on it. It was the bomb. Her brother was a piece of work. He had Downs Syndrome and smelled like lima beans and pee. Anywho, when Twyla and I came back to school after Thanksgiving, the campus police were waiting. The authorities at AppState in cooperation with the FBI and the Wyoming State Police had found me, due to an anonymous tip from a certain slice of white lightning. T-Sink had forwarded a link to this very blog to the authorities. Damn my attention to detail! Curse my inability to maintain an internal monologue! Why am I always compelled to tell my story? Why am I a troubador? I led them right to me!
Well, I was transported back to Wyoming to stand trial. I was assigned a public defender after my repeated requests to have Johnny Cochrane represent me were denied (they kept saying he was dead...clearly they just wanted to ensure a quick conviction.). The P.D. wanted me to cop a plea to shoplifting and take 24 months probation. That's bullshit! I paid for the gas. I told that butt nugget to suck eggs and insisted upon being my own legal counsel. When the prosecutor got wind of that, the plea deal dried up and he hit me with the full on aggravated assault charge. To top it off, the judge was a dike. Not the cool kind that likes k.d. lang and Yoplait, the old kind that has 12 cats, lisetns to Joan Baez, eats homemade pemmican and hates good-looking broads like me because I use my raw animal magnetism to bilk men out of cash. I didn't stand a chance.
I decided to plead insanity. I had my defense all laid out. My cross-country journey made me emotionally vulnerable. Being rebuffed by my former professor pushed me to the brink. The red-headed fat cow at the gas mart pushed me over the edge. To drive the insanity bit home, I tried all kinds of smokescreens and double bluffs...like Matlock used to do. I said "objection!" every 3 minutes, even if it was my turn to cross-examine myself. I requested a side bar and then told the judge that the trial wasn't fair because the prosecutor's ugly suit was distracting the voices in my head. Unfortunately, none of my Matlockian tactics fooled the jury and they threw the book at me. The Judge imposed a light sentence because, and I quote "Despite the fact that I find you personally despicable and your actions morally reprehensible, I haven't had this much fun in court since defense attorney farted in the middle of cross-examination. 18-months." I'll update you in future posts on how I learned to make a cake out of hot Cheetos, Elmer's glue and spit.
