Originally, leg 3 was supposed to be from North Platte, NE to St. Louis, MO. Well, due to the, shall we say, delicate situation from leg 2, I decided to take a more circuitous route across the Midwest. I figured I had to get out of Nebraska on the double, but I wanted to minimize Interstate travel in Huskerland. So from Lemonye, I hustled down to I-80 in Ogallala and squirted over to North Platte. Then I dropped due south on US 83 and went trough a series of nowhere towns like Wellfleet, Maywood, and McCook. These were the towns that time forgot. I did manage to run over some culture in McCook by way of a house built by Frank Lloyd Wright, called Sutton House. The town is super proud of it. I have never been a fan of FLW's houses, they all seem really boxy and weird. I know all of that crap about it being different and groundbreaking and stuff, but if you ask me, would it kill you to build perfectly spherical houses? Big ups to the geodesic dome!
I sallied forth from McCook down to Oberlin, KS. I was expecting from the town's name that this would be home to the world famous Oberlin Conservatory of Music. I was wrong. As it turns out, that Oberlin is in Ohio...figures. They did have a diner that served a wicked pepper steak. The waitress, let's call her Flo, asked me what happened to my leg. I have three standard answers that I give, and I pick depending upon my mood:
- The truth - I lost my leg in a tragic crocodile encounter in Africa. The standard reply I get to that is "bullshit!"
- Fake answer #1 - I was playing in my grandfather's wheat fields in Idaho during harvest time and I lost it in a tragic accident involving a combine. The standard reply I get to that is "no way!"
- Fake answer #2 - I was the top cheerleader on the pyramid and I fell off and landed awkwardly on that leg and it was shattered into such tiny bits that they couldn't put it back together. The standard reply I get to that is "that sucks."
I was feeling a little saucy, so I went with option 3. She said "that is a bummer. Have a piece of apple pie on me." Sweet right? The pie was a day too old but even bad pie tastes good when it's free. I gave Flo an extra $1 for her trouble. Oh yeah, Mama-D is a giver.
I then headed east on US 36 and blew through some real shitholes like Norcatur, Norton, Stuttgart (can you believe it?) and Smith Center. I jogged down 181 to Downs and picked up US 24 and kept heading east. I read on the Internet once that when you are fleeing someone like an abusive spouse or a hopped up crack dealer you owe money to, you should change directions alot and try to remain unremarkable. I at least got the direction changing part down. I got more gas and kept going, finally stopping for the night in Manhattan, KS, home of Kansas State University. I thought to myself: college town + hot but slightly road grimy blonde + alcohol + EuroVan = anonymous sexy time! My instincts were dead on! As it turns out, I had rolled into town late on Saturday the 13th. As it turns out, the Kansas State football team had just won a home game (against Colorado?...who cares) and the bars were filling up with tons of loose-walleted dudes hung over with gridiron glory.
I rolled into the Buffalo Wild Wings on Moro street and went looking for a free beer. I also ran into this guy named Ionut.
I couldn't pronounce his name so I just said "buy me a beer and don't get pissed if I call you Donut." He obliged. Turns out that hes was this uber-geek Ph.D. in Computer Science who had come in for the weekend to visit his old campus haunts and some other Star Wars nerds and to take in the game. I broke it down for him: if you keep feeding me beer and wings, you will in fact get to lose your virginity tonight. He laughed...turns out Captain Nintendo wasn't a virgin after all. There was this special gal in the computer science department that he had loved and lost back in the day, by the name of Sasha. Sasha was from Croatia. I really didn't give a flip, but he kept the malted hops and barley flowing so I listened to his tale of heartbreak. She ended leaving him because she couldn't find work in the US and had to go back to Croatia. They used to spoon until the sun came up after knocking boots (what a dork).
I couldn't pronounce his name so I just said "buy me a beer and don't get pissed if I call you Donut." He obliged. Turns out that hes was this uber-geek Ph.D. in Computer Science who had come in for the weekend to visit his old campus haunts and some other Star Wars nerds and to take in the game. I broke it down for him: if you keep feeding me beer and wings, you will in fact get to lose your virginity tonight. He laughed...turns out Captain Nintendo wasn't a virgin after all. There was this special gal in the computer science department that he had loved and lost back in the day, by the name of Sasha. Sasha was from Croatia. I really didn't give a flip, but he kept the malted hops and barley flowing so I listened to his tale of heartbreak. She ended leaving him because she couldn't find work in the US and had to go back to Croatia. They used to spoon until the sun came up after knocking boots (what a dork). After listening to him yammer on for 3 hours, I said "are we going to do this our what? We can go to your hotel or take my van to a park somewhere and I'll move you into a different time zone." We ended up going to his hotel (Courtyard by Marriott, very nice). He was far from the best 1-2-3 skidoo that I ever had, and a couple of times he called out "Sasha!" as I was rocking his world. The second time he did it I slapped him across the face and said "who's your Sasha now?!" He did tell me that I was remarkably limber for a woman with only one leg. Tell me something I don't know. After he was asleep, I rifled through his belongings, but nothing worth pawning, so I got dressed and took off. I drove the EuroVan to a little park and went to sleep. The next morning, I headed off down the road and picked up the Interstate in Kansas City. After that, it was on to St. Louis.
2 comments:
As far as not doing charity, apparently you do....I thought from your vast vocabulary (Crapsickle) and your thorough knowledge of the world (Sleeping with married men, the cronic, being hit by the batmobile) that you would have had higher standards then "Mr. Nintendo". I will give the benefit of the doubt alchol does wonders for some people. Did you guys role play?....a little hon solo and princess gonalayya.
As far as me being from "Danny Bonaduce line of HGH-injecting roid ragers" the name was only for humorous effect. I do believe that "T-mazing" might have shown you a pic or two of me. If you can think back between the bong hits, you might remember that I don't quite fit that kind of stereotype.
Anyway we should now be about even, unless you can't stand that I'm a little more feisty then you sweet thing.
Ah, my little roid toy. There's no need to be jealous of Donut because he is your intellectual superior. An outstanding physique is commendable, no one argues that, but darling, you must think long term. I'm sure you are a very decent sort of fellow, but the likelihood of you winning a Nobel Prize because you developed artificial intelligence is very low compared to Donut. Also, while pieces of man candy such as yourself look good on my arm, your attributes will eventually elude you, and you may be forced to undergo embarrassing pec implant surgery or some other radical procedure that will be necessary because of your artificial testosterone intake. You will be luck to live past 45, and you have the future of Lyle Alzado staring you in the face. As for who wins the feisty contest, how many states are you a fugitive in? Point Thickburger. Thanks for playing.
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