Tales From Leg 3 - On The Lam

Originally, leg 3 was supposed to be from North Platte, NE to St. Louis, MO. Well, due to the, shall we say, delicate situation from leg 2, I decided to take a more circuitous route across the Midwest. I figured I had to get out of Nebraska on the double, but I wanted to minimize Interstate travel in Huskerland. So from Lemonye, I hustled down to I-80 in Ogallala and squirted over to North Platte. Then I dropped due south on US 83 and went trough a series of nowhere towns like Wellfleet, Maywood, and McCook. These were the towns that time forgot. I did manage to run over some culture in McCook by way of a house built by Frank Lloyd Wright, called Sutton House. The town is super proud of it. I have never been a fan of FLW's houses, they all seem really boxy and weird. I know all of that crap about it being different and groundbreaking and stuff, but if you ask me, would it kill you to build perfectly spherical houses? Big ups to the geodesic dome!

I sallied forth from McCook down to Oberlin, KS. I was expecting from the town's name that this would be home to the world famous Oberlin Conservatory of Music. I was wrong. As it turns out, that Oberlin is in Ohio...figures. They did have a diner that served a wicked pepper steak. The waitress, let's call her Flo, asked me what happened to my leg. I have three standard answers that I give, and I pick depending upon my mood:

1. The truth - I lost my leg in a tragic crocodile encounter in Africa. The standard reply I get to that is "bullshit!"


2. Fake answer #1 - I was playing in my grandfather's wheat fields in Idaho during harvest time and I lost it in a tragic accident involving a combine. The standard reply I get to that is "no way!"


3. Fake answer #2 - I was the top cheerleader on the pyramid and I fell off and landed awkwardly on that leg and it was shattered into such tiny bits that they couldn't put it back together. The standard reply I get to that is "that sucks."

I was feeling a little saucy, so I went with option 3. She said "that is a bummer. Have a piece of apple pie on me." Sweet right? The pie was a day too old but even bad pie tastes good when it's free. I gave Flo an extra $1 for her trouble. Oh yeah, Mama-D is a giver.

I then headed east on US 36 and blew through some real shitholes like Norcatur, Norton, Stuttgart (can you believe it?) and Smith Center. I jogged down 181 to Downs and picked up US 24 and kept heading east. I read on the Internet once that when you are fleeing someone like an abusive spouse or a hopped up crack dealer you owe money to, you should change directions alot and try to remain unremarkable. I at least got the direction changing part down. I got more gas and kept going, finally stopping for the night in Manhattan, KS, home of Kansas State University. I thought to myself: college town + hot but slightly road grimy blonde + alcohol + EuroVan = anonymous sexy time! My instincts were dead on! As it turns out, I had rolled into town late on Saturday the 13th. As it turns out, the Kansas State football team had just won a home game (against Colorado?...who cares) and the bars were filling up with tons of loose-walleted dudes hung over with gridiron glory.

I rolled into the Buffalo Wild Wings on Moro street and went looking for a free beer. I also ran into this guy named Ionut. I couldn't pronounce his name so I just said "buy me a beer and don't get pissed if I call you Donut." He obliged. Turns out that hes was this uber-geek Ph.D. in Computer Science who had come in for the weekend to visit his old campus haunts and some other Star Wars nerds and to take in the game. I broke it down for him: if you keep feeding me beer and wings, you will in fact get to lose your virginity tonight. He laughed...turns out Captain Nintendo wasn't a virgin after all. There was this special gal in the computer science department that he had loved and lost back in the day, by the name of Sasha. Sasha was from Croatia. I really didn't give a flip, but he kept the malted hops and barley flowing so I listened to his tale of heartbreak. She ended leaving him because she couldn't find work in the US and had to go back to Croatia. They used to spoon until the sun came up after knocking boots (what a dork).

After listening to him yammer on for 3 hours, I said "are we going to do this our what? We can go to your hotel or take my van to a park somewhere and I'll move you into a different time zone." We ended up going to his hotel (Courtyard by Marriott, very nice). He was far from the best 1-2-3 skidoo that I ever had, and a couple of times he called out "Sasha!" as I was rocking his world. The second time he did it I slapped him across the face and said "who's your Sasha now?!" He did tell me that I was remarkably limber for a woman with only one leg. Tell me something I don't know. After he was asleep, I rifled through his belongings, but nothing worth pawning, so I got dressed and took off. I drove the EuroVan to a little park and went to sleep. The next morning, I headed off down the road and picked up the Interstate in Kansas City. After that, it was on to St. Louis.

Tales From Leg 2 - Leaving The West

Hey gang! I wanted to give you an update on my progress across the country. I'm actually writing this from New Albany, IN which is on leg 4, but we'll get to that on another post. I had a hoot of a time on leg one, and I had to get a few states between me and Wyoming before I could safely regale the DoD faithful with my tales of daring do.

If you are a square, then I have found the perfect place for you to visit or retire to: Rock Springs, WY. Where is that you ask? It's about 180 miles east of Ogden on I-80. It's charming if you're old as turds, and it was a convenient place to stop and stretch my leg. Tripadvisor.com "advised" me to go see the Community Fine Arts Center (CFAC to the locals) to see "one of the best collections of modern art in the Rockies." What they failed to mention was that quote was made in 1952. Now D-Bird is flush with cash, but I'm not in the business of making cash rain down like Pacman Jones at a strip club, so when I went to this place I figured it would be a reasonable price: say about $5-7 US. Now when I entered CFAC, the place was pretty small. I sauntered up to the reception desk and asked how much to get it. A sweet lady named Jennifer told me that admission was free. They did accept donations, just whatever the visitors felt like giving.

I decided to give the place the old once-over before I decided on what to donate to the place. I mean, I had to take in "one of the best collections of modern art in the Rockies" for myself. It was not too bad as collections go. There were a lot of weird abstract pictures, stuff I'm not a big fan of. I prefer the old stuff like Greek and Roman statues because they put lifelike genitals on them. I mean, it takes a lot of skill to carve a realistic twig & berries out of marble. The more I examine these statues, the more I believe that there may be something to this Darwin character & evolution. Stay with me: you never see a John Holmes like appendage on any Greek or Roman statue. They usually look normal. So, over the course of a few centuries, humans have evolved to in some specimens an enormous dingle-hopper to skewer unsuspecting nymphos. What I can't seem to figure out is why? What is the biological advantage? Anywho, I took my tour and dropped $5 in the donation box so they can keep the lights on in the place.

So what's the big deal that you had to hightail it out of Rock Springs? Well, I went to a gas station to fill up the EuroVan before leaving town, we'll call it a Smexxon/Globil station. I went up to the pump (pump 9 for luck) and swiped my card. It doesn't work. I check to make sure I have the magnetic strip facing the right direction (I am a blonde) and try it again. No dice. I rub the card to make sure that there's no dirt or gunk on it and try it again. Strike 3. I try to lift the lever and start pumping. No workie. It was at that point that the clerk comes on over the little loudspeaker at the pump and says "You have to prepay." I tell her "the card reader isn't working, can you just turn it on?" She asks "Did you swipe your card in the machine?" I said "Yes." She said, "Was it turned the right way?" I said "Yes." She said "Are you sure?" I said, "I tried it 3 times and it didn't work. I checked to make sure the card was turned the right way." She said "Why don't you try another card?" Now I was getting mad. I walked into the store and up to the counter. That's when I saw the bitch. She looked like a red-header version of Avril Lavigne, except that she was a 200 pound fat cow. I handed her my card and said "Can you run it in here?" She rolled her eyes at me and said "I'm gonna have to reset the pump," and then just stood there chewing her gum at me.

I said "Well you better get to it then." She narrowed here eyes at me, and started punching buttons and swiped my card. The register booped at her. She sighed and did it again. Another boop. She hands me back my card and said "Your card doesn't work. You're going to have to pay cash." I'm sure she meant well, but her attitude had got the best of me. "My card worked the last time I used it, so why don't you run it again?" I made sure to give her my best "crazy eyes." She said "Either you pay with cash or get lost." I must admit that at this point things got a little out of hand. I reached into my wallet and laid out 2 crispy Ben Franklins on the counter. I also nonchalantly loosened Mitch's straps. I asked her to put $25 on pump 9. She said "What's the other $175 for?" I said "For this, bitch!" I then proceeded to swing Mitch around, knocking a display of lotto tickets to the ground, also laying waste to the Jerry's Kids bucket, a Tic-Tac display and some Jack Link's beef jerky. I then took a lunge at the tart and connected with her right forearm, leaving a nice red mark. The yelp of pain and surprise was very satisfying. I then strapped Mitch back on and put $25 of gas into my car and took off. I had to get off the Interstate and take a number of back and side roads until I got into Nebraska (I crossed at Lyman, NE) and made my way hither and thither until I couldn't drive anymore and camped in the EuroVan near Lemoyne. After that I did manage to get back on the Interstate in North Platte after another gas stop (the card work fine, thank you) and took off and tried not to look to conspicuous.

So, if you're traveling through far western Wyoming, I recommend that you stop at the CFAC, say hello to Jennifer and take in their collection, it is definitely worth $5.