OJ Jailed - Held With No Bail(ed)

Well I'll be jiggered! The "authorities" in Las Vegas have thrown the book at the Juice due to his involvement in what LVPD is calling armed robbery and what OJ is calling his own "sting operation." In a related story, Florida Citrus Growers have officially changed the name of Orange Juice from "OJ," "Juice," or "Orange Juice" to "Jugo de Naranja," "Jugo," or "Naranjito" to distance themselves from Simpson. A spokesperson for the FCG was quoted "It's bad enough that he moved here from California. Now he's giving us a bad name as well. Jugo de Naranja is bound to do well with the growing Latino demographic, and will catch on with rich white suburban kids withing the next 6-12 months. Let's just pray that no Nicaraguan mass murderer named Jugo gets any press here or we'll be forced to change our name to 'jus orange,' which would be a shame because I'm not a big fan of the French."

Officially, the Juice is charged with two counts each of robbery and assault with a deadly weapon, conspiracy to commit robbery, and burglary with a deadly weapon, said Capt. James Dillon of the Las Vegas police. Simpson has declared his innocence, telling The Associated Press in an interview that there were no guns involved in what he described as a self-organized sting operation intended to retrieve some of his sports memorabilia. At a press conference, police said Simpson was implicated after police arrested one of his golfing buddies, Walter Alexander, at the Las Vegas airport. On Sunday morning, police executed search warrants at three locations and confiscated two firearms.
Alexander, of Mesa, Ariz., was charged and released on his own recognizance, sparking speculation that he is cooperating. I guess OJ just can't get the high-quality "I'll drive you around the freeway in a white Bronco with a gun to your head" kind of friends anymore. Now he can only scrape together the "I'll go along with your crazy plan, just please don't kill me" kind of friends these days. A pity. Perhaps OJ's new lawyer Yale Galanter (no, I didn't make that up) can get OJ off on the patented "irony defense."

I personally think that OJ, Tonya Harding and Lorena Bobbitt should go into business together in the New York/New Jersey based "waste management" business. Have a pesky "mess" that needs to be "cleaned up?" No problem. Our professional staff of bumbling psychopaths is available 24 hours a day to help you out. And not to worry, we'll draw so much press that no one will ever suspect that you had anything to do with the "waste disposal." We're also available for personal appearances, book signings, etc. I wonder what they would call it? Maybe "I Did It Waste Disposal," "Crazy Inc. Waste Management," or "Infamous Waste Disposal." Their slogan could be "There's no mess we can't screw up, I mean, clean up." I think Vegas needs a new ad campaign, because obviously, what happens in Vegas does not stay in Vegas.

The Juice Is At It Again

Well, it seems that that rascally running back has run afoul of the law again. It seems as though everybody's favorite alleged murderer is also tyring his hand at burglary. According the the story from the AP (reprinted below), OJ has abandoned his status as Officer Nordberg from Police Squad in favor of the role of Danny Ocean, as he was implicated in a break-in at the Las Vegas casino room of auction house owner Tom Riccio. Riccio...that's not a mob name or anything. I wouldn't be surprised if the Juice got a little loose at the crap table and broke in to steal stuff to cover the tab before he would up with a couple of broken legs, what with not being able to capitalize on his "If I Did It Book." Wowsers. I hope that he was in Vegas looking for the real killer.

By KATHLEEN HENNESSEY and LINDA DEUTSCH, Associated Press WritersSeptember 14, 2007
LAS VEGAS (AP) -- Investigators questioned O.J. Simpson and named him a suspect Friday in a confrontation at a casino hotel room involving sports memorabilia. The former football star acknowledged going to the room to get property he said was stolen from him but denied breaking in.
Simpson told The Associated Press auction house owner Tom Riccio called him several weeks ago to say some collectors "have a lot of your stuff and they don't want anyone to know they are selling it."
Simpson, who was in Las Vegas for a friend's wedding, said he arranged to meet Riccio at the hotel and conducted a "sting operation."
"Everybody knows this is stolen stuff," Simpson said. "Not only wasn't there a break-in, but Riccio came to the lobby and escorted us up to the room. In any event, it's stolen stuff that's mine. Nobody was roughed up."
Investigators were reviewing a complaint of a break-in at the hotel late Thursday night, police spokesman Jose Montoya said.
"When they talked to him, Simpson made the comment that he believed the memorabilia was his," Montoya said. "We're getting conflicting stories from the two sides."
Simpson is considered a suspect in the case, Montoya said. He was released after he and several associates were questioned, and he remained in Las Vegas.
"We don't believe he's going anywhere," Montoya said.
The Heisman Trophy winner, ex-NFL star and actor lives near Miami and has been a tabloid staple since his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend Ron Goldman were killed in 1994. Simpson was acquitted of murder charges, but a jury later held him liable for the killings in a wrongful death lawsuit.
Simpson has had to auction off his sports collectibles, including his Heisman Trophy, to pay some of the $33.5 million judgment awarded in the civil trial.
On Thursday, the Goldman family published a book about the killings that Simpson had written under the title, "If I Did It," about how he would have committed the crime had he actually done it. After a deal for Simpson to publish it fell through, a federal bankruptcy judge awarded the book's rights to the Goldman family, who retitled it "If I Did It: The Confessions of a Killer."
Fred Goldman, Ron's Goldman's father, defended the family's decision to publish the book. He noted Simpson's penchant for breaking headlines.
"He brings attention to himself every time we turn around and he will continue to do that forever," Goldman said Friday on NBC's "Today Show."
The Las Vegas district attorney's office will decide whether to pursue charges in the casino case, but had not received police paperwork by Friday morning, an office assistant said.
Simpson had been scheduled to give a deposition Friday in Miami in a bankruptcy case involving his eldest daughter. But it was rescheduled because Simpson had told attorneys that he would be out of town.
The Palace Station, an aging property just west of the Las Vegas Strip, is one of several Station Casinos-owned resorts that cater to locals. The 1,000-room hotel-casino, with a 21-story tower and adjacent buildings, opened in 1976.
A company spokeswoman did not immediately return a call for comment.
AP Special Correspondent Linda Deutsch reported from Los Angeles. Associated Press writer Tony Winton in Miami contributed to this report.

Where Have All The Good Practical Jokes Gone?

Remember when you could pull pranks on your pals and not get sued or arrested? Remember life before caller ID? You could call a bowling alley and ask the clerk if he had 12 pound balls, and when he said yes, you said "then how do you walk?" and hung up. Those were the days. I was reminiscing the other day and decided to look up classic practical jokes. I have listed some of my favorites and put up a poll to vote for your favorite. You can't do any of these now without Homeland Security arresting you and shipping you off to Gitmo, but they were a riot back in the day!

• Icy Hot in the jockstrap - This one happened to my bother Turk. He was a real douche to one of the smaller guys on his 9th grade football team, always giving the kid a hard time (we'll call him "Leonard"). Finally after getting the business one too many times from Turk, Leonard put a healthy dose of Icy Hot in Turk's jockstrap. The resulting screaming fit and eventual shoving of a water hose down his pants led to Turk changing schools from embarrassment.
• 12 pound balls - The aforementioned gag where you call the bowling alley. If a chick answers the phone...ABORT!
• Vaseline everywhere - This classic is cheap, easy and elicits a satisfying look of revulsion from the butt of the joke. Put Vaseline on doorknobs, phone receivers, car door handles, light switches, hairbrush handles, you name it. The look on the victim's face is priceless.
• Running refrigerator - Call the meanest old bat on your block, preferably one who is paranoid and has early-onset Alzheimer's, and ask her if her refrigerator is running. When she says yes, you say "you better go catch it!" and hang up. Do it every 4 days or so from a different pay phone each time. Eventually she'll have a stroke.
• Sign of the times - In some smaller towns, businesses, especially restaurants, advertise specials on signs with removable letters. This is a great time to change the specials from Seven Layer Lasagna $4.99 and Hot Meatball Sandwich $3.99 to Semen Sandwich $3.99 and Seven Ball Lasagna - $4.99. Make sure the cops don't see you...under cover of darkness is the best.
• Ganked Kool-Aid - This one is a great one to play on kids. Pour out their Kool-Aid. Put in water, 3 tablespoons of salt and red food coloring. Shake, serve and skedaddle. It's friggin' awesome!
• Free legal advice - Go down to your local county courthouse. Post a notice that says free legal advice, no charge unless you win your case. Then post you friend's phone number. Sweet!

Feel free to comment with you own favorite classic practical jokes and gags!

Remembering 9/11 And The Return To "Normalcy"

As I reflect on the 6-year anniversary of the devastating attacks on the World Trade Center in 2001, I have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that it really has been 6 years. Where has the time gone? What have I done with that time? It seems like it was only yesterday that it happened. I will never forget where I was when it happened. I was on my way to my Feminist Theories class at Weber State. I stopped into the Shepherd Union to get a strawberry smoothie. When I got into the food court area, the place was eerily quiet and everyone was crowded around the TV which was showing CNN. It was about 6:55 AM (mountain time). I wandered up to a guy who was standing there in disbelief. I asked him what happened. He said a plane had crashed into the north tower of the World Trade Center. I asked if it was an accident. He said he didn't know. I stood there watching the report, flames spewing from the building. The reporters were as bewildered as the rest of us. At 7:03 I watched in horror as the second plane smashed into the south tower...I watched it happen. The guy beside me said "holy shit." It was then that I knew that it wasn't an accident. It was clear that something was amiss; two planes don't accidentally run into the WTC. I bought my smoothie from a dumbfounded clerk and went back to my dorm room. I got there at 7:40. Three minutes later, a plane crashed into the Pentagon. That was when I began to panic.

I picked up the phone and called Teena. I was numb. We talked for about an hour, but most of that time we sat on the line, each of us watching the TV and saying "Oh, Jesus" or "Oh, my God" each time a new development came on. I distinctly remember praying for the towers not to fall down. I thought that if they could just stay up, they could get everyone out and it would be okay; my life would be okay and everything would go back to normal. That was when I started crying. I couldn't stop crying. I just felt helpless and violated and angry and hurt, all at once, and I didn't even know anyone that lived anywhere near New York City. I stayed in my room all day and watched the news. I flipped from channel to channel, letting it wash over me. It was like I needed to keep seeing the pictures and hearing the reports in order for it to be real; but it was surreal at the same time. I kept thinking in the back of my mind that maybe it was just a dream, a figment caused by some undercooked pork, and that when I woke up the next day, it never would have happened. I clung to that; I needed that. I couldn't come to terms with the fact that we had been attacked on our home soil. How could they do that? How could they hijack a bunch of airplanes? How could they get flying lessons? How did they get in the country? How could they do this to us, to me? Why would they do that? What had those people done to them?

The President had come out and instructed me to go on about the "normal" business of my life which meant going to class and working part time as a server at Rooster's Brewing Company. I went to work but all we talked about was 9/11. I selfishly wanted some kind of escape. After a few days of this, I desperately needed to laugh. I needed something to be funny. I wanted someone to make a joke out of the tragedy so I could stop wallowing in self-pity. I needed something to take my fixated mind off of Osama Bin Laden, Al-Quaida, the Taliban and terrorism. If I could laugh again, that was something the terrorists couldn't take from me. If I could smile, that would be my first salvo in the war on terrorism. That would be my return to "normalcy."

It began when Saturday Night Live had their season premiere on 9/29/07. Mayor Giuliani started the show with Lorne Michaels. Rudy says "Is it okay to be funny?" to which Lorne says "Why start now?" I almost smiled. The cast went through several sketches that were written with recurring characters, but nothing that really took a stab at terrorism. I did end up smiling and chuckling a little nervously here and there (much like the audience), but I still wasn't quite comfortable. It was not until the next week 10/6/01 that I really had a good laugh. Seann William Scott was the host, and the sketch that really had me in stitches, actually in tears was Will Ferrel's "patriotic underwear" sketch where he was late to a board meeting because he was being patriotic...by wearing a US flag g-string. It was friggin' hilarious. By the time that the show was over, I felt like that although the world I lived in would never be the same again, I knew that I could at least go on living each day and that once again it was safe to laugh, and that bastard Bin Laden could never take that away from me. I have also collected and reprinted some of my favorite Osama Bin Laden jokes, because if I can laugh at that piece of crap then he has no power over me. Enjoy.

• Top 10 Ways Osama Bin Laden Can Improve His Image
  From the Late Show With David Letterman:
  10. There's no way he can improve his image. He's a murdering, soul-less asshole (there were no 9 through 1).
• How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone? Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
• Why doesn't the Taliban have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day? Because the camels can't handle it.
• What do Osama bin laden and General Custer have in common? They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!
• What do Bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common? Nothing, yet.
• Department of Homeland Security Alert - We've just been notified by Security that there have been 6 suspected terrorists working out of your office. Five of the six have been apprehended: Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.
  Our agent advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office. Security is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
  You are obviously not a suspect at this time.

Some Interesting Facts About My New Home State

Well, since my last post, I have decided to move to the great state of North Carolina, thanks in large part to the Appalachian State University Mountaineers football team's stunning upset of the Michigan Wolverines at the Big House 2 weeks ago. I have recently submitted my application for admission to "App State's" Master's degree in Industrial Technology. Combined with my degree in Women's Studies, it makes for a potent combination of sassy post-modern feminism with the practicality of diesel engine maintenance. My plan is to work on becoming a shop teacher. Not at the high school level though, because I don't want to end up like Mary Kay Letourneau and fall in love with a 12-year old Lothario. They have a program for the JUCO level. That way, if a musky-scented grease monkey gets me hot under the collar and I fall prey to the classic May/December Teacher/Student romance, I can't go to jail. I probably won't even get fired. When I was in college, my friend Linda "Easy" DiNunzio (from Jersey, that hussy) needed to get an A on the final to pass Psychology. She never even bought the book, so she went to see the professor during office hours for a little "extra credit." Let's just say that she got a C in the class (and chlamydia because that professor was a randy dude...the gift that just keeps on giving). Here's a link to my degree program http://www.tec.appstate.edu/ma/degrees.html

I've been doing some basic research on my new prospective home. I know all of the vital stuff for my home state of Idaho.

• State bird - Mountain Bluebird
• State flower - Syringa
• State tree - Western White Pine
• State nickname - Gem State
• State motto - "Esto perpetua" - May it endure forever
• State insect - Monarch butterfly

I had to look up the same information for "Nawth Cawlina"

• State bird - Cardinal
• State flower - Flowering dogwood
• State tree - Longleaf Pine
• State nickname - Tarheel State
• State motto - "Esse quam videri" - To be rather than to seem (WTF?!?)
• State insect - they don't have one, so I appoint the Hissing Cockroach as the official insect of North Carolina

North Carolina was the birthplace of James K. Polk, 11th President of the United States, and Andrew Johnson the 17th President and the first one to be impeached (the dude who was President after Lincoln was shot). Major in industries include tobbaco and poultry farming, as well as blueberries, strawberries, textiles and furniture. At 53,821 square miles, North Carolina is the 28th largest state in the US. They invented friggin' Krispy Kremes in NC...holla! North Carolina is also the birthplace of some of the hottest celebrities and athletes:

• Jaime Pressly
• Andy Griffith
• Michael Jordan
• Sandra Bullock
• Howard Cosell
• Clay Aiken
• Dale Earnhardt, Sr.
• Roberta Flack
• Catfish Hunter

I had to admit that when I found out that Jaime Pressly was a native North Carolinian, I became very excited. I'm not gay or anything, but if I got Jaime alone in a hotel room, I would totally kiss her on the mouth. She is just that hot. In fact, I'm planning a road trip to her home town of Kinston, NC to see if I can find the house she grew up in. I may try and slip down to the high school and see if I can find out which locker was hers to see if I can absorb any residual energy that she may have left behind. Any woman strong enough to tell Howard Stern on the air that he was so ugly that he "got slapped by the Jew stick" could totally kick your ass in a fight to the death. In fact, I think that if you matched her up against Sandra Bullock in a death match that Jaime would win, despite Sandra's marriage to renowned bad boy Jesse James. No doubt she picked up a few garage moves like cold-cocking you with some angle iron, but Jaime is pure white trash: she was emancipated from her parents at age 15 and was doing nude modeling by age 19. She knows how to beat the pus out of you and gouge out an eye or two. Oh yeah, she's lethal. This road trip is going to be awesome!

Hey NFL, How About A New Franchise?

Hey! Pssst! Commissioner Goodell! I'm talking to you! Come here! I'm a lifetime football fan. By football I mean 350 pound sweathogs beating the snot out of each other in the trenches, rocket-armed quarterbacks slinging pigskins like a cook slings hash, ruinning backs with more moves than U-Haul and receivers that do a touchdown dance choreographed by Alvin Ailey; not that soccer BS. The only reason soccer is the most played game world wide is that 3rd world countries can afford the equipment: a ball (shoes are optional). You will not find any more rabid real football fan anywhere else.

Dude, listen. I have noticed that there are a couple of, shall we say, lower performing franchises in the league. They fail to draw a crowd, they get beaten like a red-headed stepchild, and in many cases they are overshadowed by better franchises withing their home state. I speak of the Houston Texans (the bitch of the Cowboys) and the Buffalo Bills. You should have known that when the Oilers left town for the hills of Tennessee despite having gone to the AFC Championship game (losing to the then dominant Bills who were ultimately victimized by the Cowboys) and having great players like Warren Moon on the team, there was no reason to put a franchise back in Houston. The team stinks, the management is inept and the University of Houston Cougars draw a bigger crowd. The stadium is great. They can really pack in a great crowd for the annual Houston Rodeo and a George Strait concert. Don't even get me started on the Bills. The fans in Buffalo should be getting a check from the NFL for having to put up with bad coaching and average performance on the field. When Jim Kelly, Thurman Thomas et al left, they took the magic with them.

So what to do? I suggest that you move one of these two once good but now sad teams to Boise. We have a fantastic stadium already available on the campus of Boise State. The closest other franchises are the Denver Broncos, Seattle Seahawks and San Franciso 49ers. The climate is great for football. We support our teams rabidly. You could change the name from the Buffalo Bills to the Boise Mountain Cats or the Idaho Wranglers or the Boise Barnstormers or something (I would go with the Mountain Cats). You'll sell out every game whether or not you win and we would be so thrilled to have a team we would like waive taxes and crap. It would be sweet! Seriously...think about it. It would give you something else to do besides suspend all of the players in the league. Peace out...go Mountain Cats!

The Courage To Face The Day

It isn't easy having one leg. Sometimes I even get a little depressed when I dwell a little too long on Mitch. I think that's what led to my first experimental and later recreational and then a little later occupational use of stinkweed. There have been a couple of celebrities that I have come to admire because they too either are or have portrayed characters that are extremitally challenged. Their courage in the face of adversity has given me the strength to continue on. Not to mention that I'm not a quadriplegic or have to eat out of a tube or poop in a bag. That would suck.

Of course, I'm talking about Arija Bareikis and Robert David Hall. I know, household names, right? I'm sure that everyone knows Arija from her prominent role in my all time favorite movie Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo. She played the role of Kate, Deuce's love interest and other half. The character of Kate is a single-leg amputee like me, and she is portrayed lovingly and with genuine heart and emotion. She's smart, attractive and successful as a nurse in a hair transplant doctor's office. She is a great role model for me and my fellow amputees. The chemistry between Arija, or Argie as I call her, and that toad Rob Schneider is truly electric. Not only that, I found out that Argie attended Stanford and studied at the Actor's Studio in New York. She got to see and smell James Lipton himself! What an honor!

Robert David Hall is a double-leg amputee and is best known for his work in CSI, or CSI: Sin City as I like to call it. He's the creepy medical examiner dude with a heart of gold. He also did 6 episodes of Life Goes On that starred Shannen Doherty and some egghead kid called Corky. When I lived in Africa, the local tribes people would beat the parents of a mentally or physically handicapped child to death when the child turned 13 years old. Good times...good times. Lamoni and Teena never did tell me what they did with the handicapped kids themselves though. Hmm. Oh well. Robert David Hall should be nominated for an Emmy and win every year because he has to work in crutches, which is much harder than standing around and looking menacing like that douche bag that plays Lt. Brass. What a tool.

Argie and RDH have been inspirational to me. They are prrof to the world that there is no need to shun amputees from society. We work herder than many people who have not been disabled nad we care more about what we do. We are not circus freaks. We have feelings too. I was surfing the web recently and came across a website devoted to actors that are amputees. Listen up Hollywood! This website http://www.amputeeresource.org/ is the place to find your next Argie or RDH! Pay particular attention to Lacey as she has serious action heroine potential! And don't try and pull any of you casting couch shenanigans, because if I find out you're messing with any of my peeps and you are doing any filming on location in Boise, I'll cut you!