My Batman Story

Some of you may be wondering how I plan to relocate across the country from a financial perspective. Well, in addition to my 6 months "paid administrative leave" (let's call it what it is, severance) which amounts to a little over $30,000, I have a nest egg of $50,000 squirreled away in addition. How did I get that nest egg you ask? The short answer is Batman. Don't worry, I will elaborate.

I was in downtown Chicago in early August at a conference on NCAA competition. It was super-snore lame and boring, but my boss (Mr. Annoying Nosehair) said I had to go after the Xerox incident of July 12th, so I went along. I don't think it was possible for me to care any less about whether they kick off from the 30 or 40 yard line or what color of yellow the referee's flags are...BORING. At one point, I seriously considered taking Mitch off and beating a guy from Notre Dame to death. He kept going on and on about revenue sharing and crap like that. I was sitting in the row right behind him. He had red hair and a mole on the back of his neck that was about the size of a quarter. He kept yammering on and I started falling asleep. I didn't mean to, but the night before I went to a club and had a couple 7-8 drinks and chased it with with a blunt.

Anywho, this cat is going on, and all of a sudden, this huge mole starts talking to me. It said, "Hey, sweet cheeks, how about a kiss." I said, "Get bent, turkey." It says, "What, is the one-legged freak too good to make out with me? I'm in demand!" I said, "You better be very careful, because my brother is in the Marines and he showed me how to kill someone with my bare hands." The mole said "Girl, you are as dumb as a sack of hammers!" I said "That's it!" As it turns out, I shouted "That's it!" out loud, just as the Red Baron was getting wound up. He spun around and gave me the ojo, and flopped down in his seat and shut up. I was pretty embarrassed. Later on during a 15-minute break, a couple of people from the University of Washington came by and thanked me for shutting the gasbag up. Pretty sweet, right?

But that's not what I wanted to tell you. When I was in Chicago, they were filming some scenes for the upcoming movie Batman: The Dark Knight. Apparently, Gotham City looks alot like downtown Chicago at night. I was walking to dinner at a place called the Elephant & Castle to have a pint and some shepherd's pie, and I see this sign that says not to walk down the street unless you wanted to be caught on camera. I thought, AWESOME! This could be a trailblazing moment for amputees around the world. They were filming a scene with the "Batmobile" (it looked more like a tank) racing around town. The director told us that we were supposed to cross the street, and then the Batmobile would come screaming down the street and we were supposed to run and dive out of the way all the while screaming bloody murder. I was game so I got into position. We stood around for like, an hour waiting for them to get the cameras placed and all of the lights just so, and then the director called action. We all started walking, and the Batmobile comes whizzing around the corner all loud and crazy. The director shouted, "Run!" so everyone started running. I was towards the end of the line, and something in my head went snark-o and I just froze about 2/3 of the way into the street. I could hear people screaming "Move!", "Run!", "My God, she's going to die!" I was able to take 2 or 3 more steps towards the sidewalk and I got clipped by the Batmobile.

I went sailing like 10 feet and landed in a flower box full of tulips. Mitch went careening off and got stuck up in a tree. The director was freaking out, yelling "Cut! Holy crap, cut!" I had the wind knocked out of me, but because I landed in the relatively soft dirt of the flower box, I was not injured, no broken bones, nothing! Just a couple deep tissue bruises and night vision. Wild, right? The director came running over, he was crying and asked if I was OK, and please don't sue us, and crap. I said "Where's my leg?" He looked down at me and passed out; dropped like a lead balloon. Some makeup lady helped me out of the flowers. By that time, some lighting dude (called a best boy, whatever that means) had got Mitch out of the tree and gave it back to me. I put it back on and dusted myself off. The producer went into cardiac arrest and they had to call an ambulance for him.

I agreed not to sue or otherwise hold the studio responsible in exchange for a walk-on part in the movie and $50,000 (they paid in cash). There's a scene at a restaurant and I walk by in the background. I'm wearing a pearl-colored cocktail dress, and they put this cool thing that looked like a real leg over Mitch so I looked like a normal person and gave me some falsies. I'm definitely going to consider augmentation because I looked HOT! Pretty cool, right? So, next summer when it comes out, be looking for me (unless I end up on the cutting room floor).