Things To Do In Boise When You're Unemployed

Other than gas money, I made it my personal goal today to have a day out on the town for free..nada, zippo, zilch, gratis, complimentary. In all it was a very successful and fun endeavor. I have catalogued the outing and encourage anyone to follow suit the next time they come to Boise. To be fair, it would also be helpful if you had a prosthetic leg or a wheelchair or a speech impediment, as that tends to garner pity which is a leverageable commodity.

• Zoo Boise -355 Julia Davis Dr., Boise - That's right, Zoo Boise because Boise Zoo wasn't descriptive enough. Now if you don't already have one, get a handicapped parking permit. It gets you close to the front gate and comp parking. I got a great spot close in and went up to the front gate. Admission is $4, but when I told them that I was an amputee and that I had just been diagnoses with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma and I just wanted to be with the Ocelot and other small cats one last time, they let me in for free. I had to work up a couple of tears though (I recommend rubbing a little Tabasco in your nose, it works every time). Be sure to check out the primates...they like to throw their poop at unsuspecting senior citizens...which is friggin' AWESOME!
• City of Life Home for Women & Children 472 Caldwell Blvd., Nampa - I was hungry after tapping on the glass in the reptile house, so I went off in search of a free meal. The good people at the COLHFW&C were ready to oblige. Their welcome center was very neat and clean, but it did have the faint odor of despair and hopelessness (I fit right in). I came in and told them I was hungry and they took me back to their kitchen for a meal of spaghetti and garlic bread. One of the volunteers asked me about my leg, I told him I stepped in a bear trap in Pocatello (the look on his face was priceless). Whatever you do, it is apparently considered bad form when given a free meal at a soup kitchen to ask if they had anything else in the back besides what they are serving. They get a little feisty. I considered stealing a blanket but decided against it. It was time to move on.
• Boise Art Museum - 670 Julia Davis Dr., Boise - Next stop, the BAM! Just for schitzengiggles, I walked up to the ticket lady and said, how much to get into the BAM!(just like that kooky Cajun freak Emeril...I even did the threatening hand move) today? She indicated I could get in for free but that the recommended donation was $10. I indicated Mitch and told her "I gave my leg in Afghanistan for your freedom! Isn't that enough for you?" and strode past. BAM's(!) Permanent Collection of 2,300 works of art focuses on 20th century American art with a long-standing emphasis on artists of the Pacific Northwest, American Realism and ceramics. BAM's(!) Collection also includes a survey of European and non-Western artwork designed to provide a broader context for the overall Collection. Which goes to say it was boring. I had fun by sidling up to some stuff that looked like Jackson Pollock. Any time someone would come close to have a look, I said "I don't understand the value of some monkey flinging paint at a canvas like it was poop. I want my friggin' money back!" It was a scream. Another good gag is to stand by a Greek or Roman statue that has a leaf where the dinglehopper used to be and say loudly "That's not a very realistic looking penis!" and then walk away in disgust. It freaks people out (and in my case, gets you thrown out as well).
• Neuorlux 111 N. 11th, Boise - Well, after geeting tossed from the BAM(!), I was thirsty, so I headed over to a great bar in downtown Boise (yes, they do have bars in Boise). I got there at 4:00, it was happy hour and there was no cover charge for hot, single, 1-legged blonde bombshells (or any other ladies for that matter) like me. They had an ample supply of beer nuts and plenty of easy marks for a drink. I walked over to a group of guys sitting at a table and said "which one of you guys is going to buy me and Mitch a drink?" I hooked one guy right away. "Who's Mitch?" he says. "My friggin' prosthetic leg...and hea wants to party! Dig it?" The guy was caught off guard, his buddies immediately looked at my legs. Now I was wearing sweatpants at the time. I told the guy "If you can guess which legg is fake, just by looking at it, you can buy me a drink." He looks me up and down and says. "The right one." "Wrong, it was the left, now buy me a friggin' drink!" He did. 3 hours and 6 beers later we were making out. That's as far as he got though, I'm not a whore. I did manage to get his phone number in case I ever want to go on a real date.

After that I climbed into my new Eurovan and drove back to my apartment. All in all it was a good day. And I only spent about $6.50 in gas money. Give it a try the next time you're in Boise.