Sometimes I Wonder

On occasion, I have been known to "get sticky" and go on a little bit of a philosophical journey, a sort of vision quest without the freaky hallucinations associated with LSD or mushrooms. And sometimes I wonder about stuff. I used to keep a journal with me and when I could remember to, I would jot down what it was that puzzled me. I lost that journal when I moved from my last apartment into my current one. I was bummed out as you would expect. Well, I went to the local liquor store to get boxes for moving my stuff. If you didn't already know this, liquor boxes are the best boxes to use for moving because they're super sturdy and they give them away for free. They're the perfect size for books, dishes, DVDs, CDs and knick-knacks. Just give me some Cutty Sark boxes and some duck tape and I'm good to go.

So I was going through my CD collection to sort out the ones I want to keep an the ones I want to take down and sell, and buried in a box of CDs from the last move is my journal. I was so excited! I dropped everything, got a frosty can of Pepsi Max and settled in to read. It brought back a bunch of memories, and it also had quite a few ramblings that at the time they were written probably made sense, but now they are either incohesive, incomprehensible or just plain silly. I have selected a few and reprinted them here. It helps if you use the phrase "sometimes I wonder" in front of the thought (and sometimes not!). Enjoy!

Sometimes I wonder...

• Why is it that women go to the bathroom in groups when only one of them has to pee?
• When will I stop dreaming that I have 2 healthy, regular legs? Why can't I dream that I have one regular leg and one bionic leg?
• Why doesn't Canada just give up being it's own country and become part of the USA? Except for Quebec. I hate French people. And dogs. And children. And Jimmy Smits. Jimmy Smits has to move to Quebec. And when Canada is part of the USA they have to give us all their maple syrup and stop saying "aboot."
• Where farts get their smell from.
• Why Leeza Gibbons doesn't change her name to Lisa. She's a pretentious cow.
• If Lewis and Clark had any gay people on their expedition. I bet if they did, they would know how to make clothes out of animal skins that would match their shoes. But they probably got killed by Lewis. Not Clark, he was a straight shooter.
• If you had narcolepsy and sleep apnea would you snore yourself awake after you fell asleep in the board meeting?
• Is it really necessary for Danny Devito to be married to Rhea Perlman? Aren't there enough tiny ugly people in the world?
• If Arnold Schwarzennegger and Maria Shriver's kids have giant block shaped heads.
• Why Jesus turned water into wine. Why didn't her turn water into Dr. Pepper? Talk about a miracle! There isn't even an Aramaic word for Dr. Pepper. Scholars would have to had invented one, like pliktaal or greele. And then at communion, you could have bread and Dr. Pepper, which is like, way more tasty and 10 times more impressive, because they didn't have Dr. Pepper back in the day. You need a new drink for a new covenant. I wonder how much they would charge for Dr. Pepper now if Jesus had made it. Probably like your soul. And $1.29.
• What happens to the sock the dryer ate? Did it go to sock heaven or sock hell?
• What myocardial infarction means. I think it should mean you get the day off from work and a free pizza.
• Why there are only 24 hours in a day? Why not 25? I don't think anyone would notice.
• What happened to the good old days when if you were a girl that got pregnant then they sent you away to a farm and you were gone from your hometown for a year and then came back and acted like nothing happened and you told everyone that you visited your Aunt in Jersey but everyone knew that you were lying and your dad became a drunk and beat up your mom because it was her fault that you were a tramp and you got a job at the diner slinging hash and pouring joe and then you got swept off your feet bay a carnie and had 3 more kids that grew up to despise you and you died old and alone? Those were the days.