My Guide to the 2008 Summer Movies - Part 1

Well, summer is in full swing and Hollywood has prepared another full slate of summer fare for us, the masses to help us tolerate our otherwise boring and pointless lives (well at least my life is pointless). As a service to all who may stumble across my blog, I have put together a set of reviews/prognostications for the summer movies of 2008. There are many movies that I have been itching to see and some others that leave me scratching my head. But since I'm unemployed currently (try finding a job that doesn't involve name tags or hairnets when you are a convicted felon), I'm sure to be spending time at my local multiplex increasing the size of my ass with popcorn and Whoppers.

• Iron Man - wide release 5/2/08. Well I gotta tell you, my brother Turk was an avid collector of comic books (excuse me, graphic novels), and his collection had all of the usual suspects: X-Men, Spider-Man, Batman, Superman, The Justice League, The Fantastic Four, The Incredible Hulk, Green Lantern, Spawn, Wonder Woman and the like. Iron Man was not one that he had in his collection. When you think about it, other than being a billionaire, there is nothing "super" about Tony Stark. He wasn't exposed to gamma rays, he wasn't bitten by a radioactive insect, he wasn't part of some government experiment, hell he wasn't even the victim of an overzealous nanny. He's just a dude with a boatload of cash that built a "supersuit." That being said, this movie kicks ass! Of the lesser known superheroes, Iron Man stands out (certain he's better than friggin' Aquaman for Pete's sake) and with the able direction of uber-fanboy Jon Favreau, the barely contained debauchery of Robert Downey Jr. (how is he not dead?) and the Oscar factor (Gwyneth Paltrow & Terence Howard), you can't go wrong...at least until The Dark Knight hits theaters. Predicted domestic gross: $350 million.
• Speed Racer - wide release 5/9/08. How could a movie with so much potential to be good (Matrix directors Andy and Larry Wachowski) suck so much? Oh yeah, it's friggin' Speed Racer. It seems clear to this amputee that the W brothers memory about how cheesy and stupid the Speed Racer cartoons were has failed them (I guess they don't get Boomerang on their TV). All I can say for Matthew Fox's turn as Racer X is at least he got to wear a mask. I get the feeling that Team W was sitting around a hookah and asked themselves, of all of the actors in Hollywood, who is the right person to bring to life the complicated pastiche of emotions that is Speed Racer? Tom Cruise? Jake Gyllenhall? Brad Pitt? No, we need Emile Hirsch (WTF?!?)! Who? You know, the kid who played young Houdini from the 1998 TV miniseries Houdini! Oh, yeah! He'd be awesome! With casting like that and the campy 60's cartoon as source material, this thing had Ishtar written all over it. Good luck trying to break even on this piece of crap. Predicted domestic gross: $45 million.
• The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian - wide release 5/16/08. I read all of the Narnia books as a kid (before I lost my leg) and loved them. I was very happy when The Lion, The Witch & the Wardrobe the books as it's big screen predecessor, but my only complaint is that it took it too long to make it back to the big screen. The actors are now much too old looking for their relative ages in the books (the youngest one went from being 7 to wearing a training bra but only 1 year of movie time went by...what happened there?). Go see this movie or you deserve to have your ass kicked again by your old junior high school bully (you know the one I mean). Predicted domestic gross: $150 million.
• Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - wide release 5/22/08. I don't care that the plot sucks. I don't care that there are dozens of continuity errors. I don't care that the script was tooled, re-tooled, re-tooled again and should have been trashed for something else. I don't care that there are no Nazis. I don't care that the dude from Even Stevens is in it. Harrison Ford, Steven Spielberg and George Lucas are back, baby! Like a true disciple of Indy, I will see it twice in the theater and then buy the special-edition DVD when it comes out in time for Christmas. Despite all of the aforementioned problems with the movie, this will still kill at the box office and the fat cats at Paramount will rake in the moolah. Predicted domestic gross: $285 million.
• Sex and the City - wide release 5/30/08. Unlike every other woman in America, I never understood the draw of a bunch of cigarette smoking, 40-something New York whores (I mean cougars) who were overly concerned with which pair of Jimmy Choos would match their 17-year-old cock of the month. So then why would I get excited about 2 hours of their continued complaining, shopping and balling, just because the queen of the 5th Avenue elitist WASPs finally decides to get married before her eggs shrivel up? I don't know either. However, since only me and single straight guys will be the only people on the plant who don't go watch it, the predicted domestic gross is: $150 million.
• Kung Fu Panda & You Don't Mess with the Zohan - wide release 6/6/08. Well, it's a match-up of formidable Hacidic Hollywood funnymen: Jack Black vs. Adam Sandler. Which Zionist will have the most clout at the box office? Only time will tell. The Sandman, has gone back to his screwball formula as a fish out of water. In this case, a former Mossad Assassin turn NYC hairdresser (but he's not gay or anything). It's not any less plausible than any of his other movies (except for the ones where he attempts to be taken seriously as a dramatic actor). JB serves up family fare as Po, the noodle-cooking kung-fu wannabe that is thrust suddenly into the role of the Dragon Warrior, the only one who can defeat the evil villain and save the village. I have to go with Panda in the head-to-head because the younger kids are fresh out of school and driving mom and dad nuts. Add in the Dreamworks label and PG rating and you can guarantee some cash changing hands at the theater. Projected domestic gross: $100 million & $150 million respectively.
  
• The Happening & The Incredible Hulk - wide release 6/13/08. Well, what can you say about this box office matchup? The first Hulk movie was a train wreck and that was directed by an Oscar winner. This current offering is directed by the dude who directed The Transporter and The Transporter 2: Electric Boogaloo. I'm not sure if it will fare much better. True there have been some serious upgrades in the casting department: Edward Norton, Liv Tyler and Tim Roth explode on the screen. In the other corner you have yet another M. Night Shamalamadingdong creepy-crawly that again can't possibly be as good as The Sixth Sense was. All I can hope is that it isn't as far off the deep end as The Lady in the Water was. Talk about weird and self-serving. The trailer was annoying. All I can gather from it is that Marky Mark walks around for 2 plus hours with his mouth hanging open like an orangutan while everybody else in New York dies. This also marks M. Night's first R-rated film which severely limits the audience. Just in case everyone else forgot, the summer is when kids are out of school and PG-13 is the rating that translates into box office gold. This weekend goes to my green buddy with a rage problem hands down. You can bet that I will see both of them, because Mitch loves all things R-rated. Projected domestic box office: $95 million & $200 million respectively.

Well, that's all for now my faithful DoD. I have to hit the sack early so I can continue looking for a job. I'm only doing it to keep Gary my parole officer off my back. Have a great week and I'll see you at the movies!

How to make booze in prison

Good evening my faithful friends! You may be asking yourself, "Dana, did you learn anything from your experience in prison?" The answer my friends is an unqualified YES! I learned plenty of things:

1. Don't cry your first night in prison or you become the bitch of a 300-pound Polynesian lesbian named Ruthie.
2. The corn dogs don't have sticks in them. Apparently, they can be fashioned into shivs.
3. For a pack of Marlboro Reds, you can get anything...anything.
4. You can make wine in the toilet in your cell.

I won't lie to you, prison hooch (aka Pruno) lacks the heady apple-laden bouquet and sophistication of a good Pinot Noir. In fact, the shit is so vicious that it gave my cell mate Danielle Bell's Palsy. It does help you forget that you are in prison. It helps you forget everything (very high on the blackout factor). I have printed the recipe below. Feel free to make it yourselves, but please note the following disclaimer:

You will need professional medical attention if you drink any of this stuff. Do not give this stuff to children...CPS will bust your ass. Do not drink this yourself...you may experience cramping, dizziness, nausea, diarrhea, bloating, vertigo, sweating, flatulence, loquacity, syncope, coma or any combination of these symptoms. Do not give this to any domesticated animals...PETA will bust your ass. If you are stupid enough to make this, I cannot be held responsible for what happens to your dumb ass. Here's the recipe:

1. Make a strong bag by using two small trash bags, placed one inside the other. Place a fruit of your choice and fruit cocktail inside the bag. Seal bag.
2. Mash the fruit and fruit cocktail inside the bag with your hand. Fill the sink with hot water and place the bag into water. Let sit for 15 minutes. Make sure water does not cool; add more hot water, if necessary.
3. Take the bag from water, and wrap it in a towel to keep it warm. Leave for 48 hours while the fruit ferments. If it's warm outside, leave the bag in a safe place outdoors.
4. Add sugar and ketchup. Use about 50 sugar cubes. If using yeast or moldy bread, add that as well. Reseal the bag, and run under hot water for 30 minutes or until the sugar is fully absorbed.
5. Heat the bag in hot water for 15 minutes once a day for three days. Leave wrapped in a towel. Check often; the bag swells as gases are released. It may pop. When ready, separate the mashed fruit from the liquid, and there you have your wine.

Cheers, turkey lips!

Where the hell have I been?

Big ups to the DoD, what few of you there may be! Many of you may have been wondering where I have been for the last few months. Well, that's a long story. I may tell it to you sometime when I've have enough beer. Suffice it to say that my plans to become the sexiest Industrial Arts teacher in North Carolina on one leg have become waylaid. Long story short, I was just released after serving 2 months of a 18-month sentence (off on good behavior, thank you) for aggravated assault at the Wyoming State Penitentiary Complex in Rawlins. Here's a piece of advice that I hope all of you will take: do not serve as your own attorney in a criminal trial. BTW, I have included a picture of my temporary home on the right (cell block 9 in the house!) The worst part of it was that none of this would have happened if it weren't for my former main squeeze, T-Dizzle himself (like gasp, right?)!

Everything was going great. I had a swell Thanksgiving dinner with Twyla, her brother Cletus and her mother Aura Lee. Her mother makes the best sweet potato pie. It had like tons of marshmallows, brown sugar and pecans on it. It was the bomb. Her brother was a piece of work. He had Downs Syndrome and smelled like lima beans and pee. Anywho, when Twyla and I came back to school after Thanksgiving, the campus police were waiting. The authorities at AppState in cooperation with the FBI and the Wyoming State Police had found me, due to an anonymous tip from a certain slice of white lightning. T-Sink had forwarded a link to this very blog to the authorities. Damn my attention to detail! Curse my inability to maintain an internal monologue! Why am I always compelled to tell my story? Why am I a troubador? I led them right to me!

Well, I was transported back to Wyoming to stand trial. I was assigned a public defender after my repeated requests to have Johnny Cochrane represent me were denied (they kept saying he was dead...clearly they just wanted to ensure a quick conviction.). The P.D. wanted me to cop a plea to shoplifting and take 24 months probation. That's bullshit! I paid for the gas. I told that butt nugget to suck eggs and insisted upon being my own legal counsel. When the prosecutor got wind of that, the plea deal dried up and he hit me with the full on aggravated assault charge. To top it off, the judge was a dike. Not the cool kind that likes k.d. lang and Yoplait, the old kind that has 12 cats, lisetns to Joan Baez, eats homemade pemmican and hates good-looking broads like me because I use my raw animal magnetism to bilk men out of cash. I didn't stand a chance.

I decided to plead insanity. I had my defense all laid out. My cross-country journey made me emotionally vulnerable. Being rebuffed by my former professor pushed me to the brink. The red-headed fat cow at the gas mart pushed me over the edge. To drive the insanity bit home, I tried all kinds of smokescreens and double bluffs...like Matlock used to do. I said "objection!" every 3 minutes, even if it was my turn to cross-examine myself. I requested a side bar and then told the judge that the trial wasn't fair because the prosecutor's ugly suit was distracting the voices in my head. Unfortunately, none of my Matlockian tactics fooled the jury and they threw the book at me. The Judge imposed a light sentence because, and I quote "Despite the fact that I find you personally despicable and your actions morally reprehensible, I haven't had this much fun in court since defense attorney farted in the middle of cross-examination. 18-months." I'll update you in future posts on how I learned to make a cake out of hot Cheetos, Elmer's glue and spit.

Tales From Leg 5

Well my faithful DoD, here is the final entry from my cross-country trek from Boise, ID to Moore, NC. I have survived a multi-state run from John Q. Law, a random hook-up, nefarious casino managers and a bitchy convenience store employee. All in all, I would say it was the Road Trip To End All Road Trips. My fifth and final leg was far less eventful than the rest of the trip, but I needed some slow-down time. I crossed the Ohio River into Kentucky at Louisville. I thought that I would drop by Churchill Downs and check it out. I've always had a fascination with horse racing, and since Churchill Downs is the Graceland of horse racing in the US, I stopped in for a visit. I highly recommend the Derby Museum. I had a blast. It was cool to look at all of the pictures of the jockeys they had there. It was like watching the Wizard of Oz. At least they were able to get a job. It must suck for other little people who aren't good enough to be a jockey. What sort of jobs can they get? I suppose they could work for Santa or Keebler or some shit, but Teena and Lamoni told me that my brother killed Santa when I was 5 and that's why I didn't get any Christmas presents that year (I have a sneaking suspicion that Lamoni lost his job, but he never wants to talk about it). You know, they say that horse racing is the sport of kings. How do you figure? How many kings do you know that ride race horses? I have never seen a story about how King Juan Carlos of Spain went head to head against King Carl Gustav XVI of Sweden and King Phumiphon Adunyadet of Thailand for world domination. The only reason I can think of that they would call it the sport of kings is that horses are so friggin' expensive! Have you ever looked to see how much a horse costs on eBay? I don't know how much a horse costs, but a friggin' pair of chaps is $180! And where do you go to get Purina Horse Chow anyway? It's not at PetsMart, I can tell you that. And think of all of the poop! I bet that the litter box for a horse is like as big as a 20 gallon trash can! Here's some Kentucky Derby trivia for you:
The Kentucky Derby is also referred to as "The Run for the Roses", this is due to the fact that a garland of red roses is awarded to the Kentucky Derby winner each year. The tradition is as a result of New York socialite E. Berry Wall presenting roses to ladies at a post-Derby party in 1883. But it was not until 1896 that any recorded account referred to roses being draped on the Derby winner. The governor of Kentucky awards the garland and the trophy.

• The Mint Julep is the traditional beverage of Churchill Downs and the Kentucky Derby. It’s a cocktail made from water, sugar, mint, crushed ice, and whisky or bourbon. Served on a silver glass. Over 80,000 Mint Juleps are served over the two-day period of the Kentucky Oaks and Kentucky Derby.


• A horse named Aristides was the first winner of the what is now called the Kentucky Derby. He ran the race in 2:37.75 over a mile and a half course. The distance was changed to a mile and a quarter in 1896.


• The fastest Derby was in 1973, by Secretariat, who broke the two-minute mark and blazed the mile and a quarter in 1:59.4.


• The first national television coverage of the Kentucky Derby took place on May 3, 1952. In 1954, the purse exceeded $100,000 for the first time.


• Only three fillies have won the Kentucky Derby: Favored Regret in 1915, Genuine Risk in 1980 and Winning Colors in 1988. Fillies are female horses, stop scratching your head.


• Two jockeys, Eddie Arcaro and Bill Hartack, have each ridden five Kentucky Derby winners.

After taking in the sights at Churchill Downs, me and Mitch piled back into the EuroVan and continued east on I-64. I stopped for the night in Huntington, WV, home of Marshall University (We are!...Marshall!). The campus was pretty, but I was itching to get on to Moore so I didn't do much in the way of sightseeing...just a pic or two. I have to say, growing up and living in Idaho for many years, I became somewhat of a "mountain snob." For me, it was the Rockies or kiss my butt. But after driving from Huntington to Moore, I must admit that the Appalachian Mountains are breathtaking! The fall colors were stunning, and I could feel really relaxed in my new surroundings.

Once I arrived at AppState, I found wher I would be living and moved my belongings in. The dorm room is cramped (as you would expect), but the food doesn't suck. I did notice that there are quite a few more bugs here in the south than live in Idaho...by alot. I saw a roach fighting a mouse for a french fry in the cafeteria...the roach won but if you ask the mouse, she'll say it was a draw. I'm looking forward to school, but I'm a little bit lonely. I'm going to spend Thanksgiving with my roomate Twyla's family. She's from Sanford, NC. Her dad is in prison for attempted murder (he didn't do it...another victim of the man), but her mother and her brother Cletus will be there. I'm just so stoked at the friendliness of the people. Who invites a one-legged dame to eat turkey? Twyla Harrison, that's who! Peace out!!

Tales From Leg 4

Big ups to the DoD! I know it has been a long time since we last met, but I have been super busy! I did my last post from Indiana (what a hellhole), but now I am safely ensconced in my new home in Hoey Hall Room 411. I have a roommate named Twyla Harrison, and she's such a sweet thing...we'll get to her on another post. I wanted to update you on the happenings from the rest of my trip.

When we last spoke, I left Manhattan, KS after bumping uglies with a Ph.D. from Kansas State (he was so cute). After leaving Manhattan, I made my way east on US 24 and dropped down to I-70 in Lawrence. I swung by the campus of the University of Kansas...it was really nice. If you're ever in Lawrence and need some time to kill, I recommend going to the museum of natural history on the KU campus. It's aces! I sailed through Kansas City and headed for St. Louis. I saw some billboards for Harrah's Casino in St. Louis and figured, what the heck? D-Licious could always use a little extra cheddah, plus I love to play blackjack. The place was swanky-danky indeed! I had to sign up for a "membership" to gamble and they gave me my own Harrah's card (whatever happened to good old cash money on the barrel head getting the job done?). In order to stay off the "grid," I used my fake ID. I have a driver's license from an unnamed western state that shows my name to be Kelly Kapowski (from Saved by the Bell fame) and put down $500 in cash for my account. I got a kick out of it when the clerk at the membership counter said "good luck at the tables, Ms. Kapowski." I hit her with a devastating smile...that's how I roll.


I made my way over to the quarter slots first. I like to warm up by losing about $50 at the slots to get my mojo working. It's a proven fact that once you are down a little bit to the casino, the casino security (I like to call them the "eye in the sky") alerts a pit boss or two to send in the free drink hoochies to keep you on a losing streak. Then they also send over the rep to get you into a higher stakes game because of your "honored guest" status. Well, that doesn't work on my for a couple of reasons:

1. I'm a drunk. I actually function better with 1.5-4.5 oz of alcohol in my system. I concentrate better, work up the odds in my noggin and take better calculated risks, and bluff like a champ.
2. I cheat. When I was living in Africa, I had a friend named Jambo Amin that taught me how to count cards up to a 5-deck shoe. It's not a particularly valuable skill in Africa, but it came in hand on weekend runs to Vegas or the payday poker games we had when I was still at Boise State.
3. I'm handicapped. If I get in a rut, I can throw a fit about how the casino is taking unfair advantage of the disabled. I always get ejected from the casino, but not before I get a few hundred in hush money and a free buffet.

True to form, after losing some cheese-erino, a large pair of boobs on skinny legs came by and offered me a drink...I went with 7 & 7. I switched to the video blackjack machine to get my head right before moving over to the tables. I made sure to lose another $30 and the hooter patrol came back and I got 7 & 7 number two. Then the clouds started to part and I could feel myself easing into the zone. After another 20 minutes I had won back the $30 plus the $50 from the slots...it was go time. I strolled over to the blackjack tables and started watching the dealers. I always have the best luck with dealers that are either balding white males or Filipino women. I was in luck, because I spotted a gal named Lucy from Southeast Asia. I made my way over to her table; there were 4 other saps there. The minimum bet per hand was $25...just my kind of game.

I won't bore you with the details of each hand, but I let myself get down early, to make the eye in the sky think they had a red herring on their hands. I made stupid bets, hit on 18, downed another 7 & 7, stuff like that. When I got down to my last $50, I started winning. I acted all surprised, clapped my hands with glee, said "Golly, my luck must be turning around. I've had nothing but bad luck since my Harvey, God rest his soul, died 2 years ago when he got run over by a combine." That elicits sympathy from the other players and it gets in their head. They start losing and rooting for me even more each time that I would win. I started doubling down, betting big and coming through. I always made sure to lose every now and again to make it look good for the eye in the sky. After about 3 hours at the table, I was up $5700. That's when I made my fatal error. I usually limit myself to stopping after being at the table 3 hours or winning $5000. After you get above that, the eye in the sky runs a check on your ID.

Well you guessed it, when they ran a check on Kelly Kapowski, it came back as a fake. If I had left at the $5000 mark, I could have walked out of the casino scott free. Instead, Bugsy and Izzy the Nose escorted me to see the "manager." The manager hits me with the "You've done very well at the tables tonight, Ms., Kapowski, is it?" I fix him with a cold stare. "Yes, I've done pretty well. Justy lucky, I guess." He shifts in his chair "How long have you been away from (insert unnamed western satte here), Ms. Kapowski?" My heart started pounding in my ears "A couple of weeks. I'm on vacation." He smiles a thin-lipped smile. "That's interesting, Ms. Kapowski. I took the liberty of reviewing your membership. Since you were doing so well, I wanted to upgrade your status that would allow you to have some comps at all of our Harrah's casinos around the world. Did you know what I found out?" I forced myself to take a deep breath, and smile. "You found out that I am a sexy lady with a prosthesis that does not in any way reduce my sexiness, and you also found out that I once beat a man to death in front of his mother?" He paused as that one hit home. "Well, no, Ms. Kapowski. I found out that in fact that there is no Kelly Kapowski that is a resident of (insert unnamed western state here), and that the identification card you used was a fake. So you can see that puts me in a rather delicate situation. I cannot have members that use false identification to get gambling credentials, nor can I disburse money from the casino to someone who may or may not be a wanted murderer, as you so delicately put it. A bit of a quandary, you see?" I was so nervous that I farted. "Pardon me. Well, I'm glad I'm not you, because while you could have me arrested, I could also make a scene about how you threw me out of the casino because I'm handicapped and a woman. I would be lod and obnoxious to the point where the cops would have to tazer me. Not a great PR choice for your other members. Why don't we try to work something out." The manager put an envelope down on his desk. "There is $1500 in there. Take it. Your membership has been revoked. Your photo is now listed on our internal security website. If you so much as think about coming into another Harrah's facility anywhere in the world, I will be all over you, I will put a bullet in your ass. If you show up in Macao, I will jump out of a bowl of rice and shoot you. If you show up Vegas, they will never find your ass in the desert. Have I made myself perfectly clear, Ms. Kapowski?" I tried very hard not to pee my pants. "Crystal. Thanks for your hospitality."

I grabbed the dough off of the desk and was escorted out the door by Bugsy and Izzy the Nose. I took my winnings and drove eastward. I kept driving until I got to Indiana where I stayed for the night. My heart was still racing. I decided to go to an Applebee's and have a few drinks to calm myself down. I was bummed because they were on to my Kelly Kapowski alias. Knowing those knuckle-dragging morons, they alerted the FBI or some crap, so I can never use it again. We'll see what sort of new fake ID I can get once I arrive in North Carolina. Until then, I have to stick with being Dana with the metal friggin' leg. I'll let you know how the rest of the trip to Moore went next week. Peace out!

Tales From Leg 3 - On The Lam

Originally, leg 3 was supposed to be from North Platte, NE to St. Louis, MO. Well, due to the, shall we say, delicate situation from leg 2, I decided to take a more circuitous route across the Midwest. I figured I had to get out of Nebraska on the double, but I wanted to minimize Interstate travel in Huskerland. So from Lemonye, I hustled down to I-80 in Ogallala and squirted over to North Platte. Then I dropped due south on US 83 and went trough a series of nowhere towns like Wellfleet, Maywood, and McCook. These were the towns that time forgot. I did manage to run over some culture in McCook by way of a house built by Frank Lloyd Wright, called Sutton House. The town is super proud of it. I have never been a fan of FLW's houses, they all seem really boxy and weird. I know all of that crap about it being different and groundbreaking and stuff, but if you ask me, would it kill you to build perfectly spherical houses? Big ups to the geodesic dome!

I sallied forth from McCook down to Oberlin, KS. I was expecting from the town's name that this would be home to the world famous Oberlin Conservatory of Music. I was wrong. As it turns out, that Oberlin is in Ohio...figures. They did have a diner that served a wicked pepper steak. The waitress, let's call her Flo, asked me what happened to my leg. I have three standard answers that I give, and I pick depending upon my mood:

1. The truth - I lost my leg in a tragic crocodile encounter in Africa. The standard reply I get to that is "bullshit!"


2. Fake answer #1 - I was playing in my grandfather's wheat fields in Idaho during harvest time and I lost it in a tragic accident involving a combine. The standard reply I get to that is "no way!"


3. Fake answer #2 - I was the top cheerleader on the pyramid and I fell off and landed awkwardly on that leg and it was shattered into such tiny bits that they couldn't put it back together. The standard reply I get to that is "that sucks."

I was feeling a little saucy, so I went with option 3. She said "that is a bummer. Have a piece of apple pie on me." Sweet right? The pie was a day too old but even bad pie tastes good when it's free. I gave Flo an extra $1 for her trouble. Oh yeah, Mama-D is a giver.

I then headed east on US 36 and blew through some real shitholes like Norcatur, Norton, Stuttgart (can you believe it?) and Smith Center. I jogged down 181 to Downs and picked up US 24 and kept heading east. I read on the Internet once that when you are fleeing someone like an abusive spouse or a hopped up crack dealer you owe money to, you should change directions alot and try to remain unremarkable. I at least got the direction changing part down. I got more gas and kept going, finally stopping for the night in Manhattan, KS, home of Kansas State University. I thought to myself: college town + hot but slightly road grimy blonde + alcohol + EuroVan = anonymous sexy time! My instincts were dead on! As it turns out, I had rolled into town late on Saturday the 13th. As it turns out, the Kansas State football team had just won a home game (against Colorado?...who cares) and the bars were filling up with tons of loose-walleted dudes hung over with gridiron glory.

I rolled into the Buffalo Wild Wings on Moro street and went looking for a free beer. I also ran into this guy named Ionut. I couldn't pronounce his name so I just said "buy me a beer and don't get pissed if I call you Donut." He obliged. Turns out that hes was this uber-geek Ph.D. in Computer Science who had come in for the weekend to visit his old campus haunts and some other Star Wars nerds and to take in the game. I broke it down for him: if you keep feeding me beer and wings, you will in fact get to lose your virginity tonight. He laughed...turns out Captain Nintendo wasn't a virgin after all. There was this special gal in the computer science department that he had loved and lost back in the day, by the name of Sasha. Sasha was from Croatia. I really didn't give a flip, but he kept the malted hops and barley flowing so I listened to his tale of heartbreak. She ended leaving him because she couldn't find work in the US and had to go back to Croatia. They used to spoon until the sun came up after knocking boots (what a dork).

After listening to him yammer on for 3 hours, I said "are we going to do this our what? We can go to your hotel or take my van to a park somewhere and I'll move you into a different time zone." We ended up going to his hotel (Courtyard by Marriott, very nice). He was far from the best 1-2-3 skidoo that I ever had, and a couple of times he called out "Sasha!" as I was rocking his world. The second time he did it I slapped him across the face and said "who's your Sasha now?!" He did tell me that I was remarkably limber for a woman with only one leg. Tell me something I don't know. After he was asleep, I rifled through his belongings, but nothing worth pawning, so I got dressed and took off. I drove the EuroVan to a little park and went to sleep. The next morning, I headed off down the road and picked up the Interstate in Kansas City. After that, it was on to St. Louis.

Tales From Leg 2 - Leaving The West

Hey gang! I wanted to give you an update on my progress across the country. I'm actually writing this from New Albany, IN which is on leg 4, but we'll get to that on another post. I had a hoot of a time on leg one, and I had to get a few states between me and Wyoming before I could safely regale the DoD faithful with my tales of daring do.

If you are a square, then I have found the perfect place for you to visit or retire to: Rock Springs, WY. Where is that you ask? It's about 180 miles east of Ogden on I-80. It's charming if you're old as turds, and it was a convenient place to stop and stretch my leg. Tripadvisor.com "advised" me to go see the Community Fine Arts Center (CFAC to the locals) to see "one of the best collections of modern art in the Rockies." What they failed to mention was that quote was made in 1952. Now D-Bird is flush with cash, but I'm not in the business of making cash rain down like Pacman Jones at a strip club, so when I went to this place I figured it would be a reasonable price: say about $5-7 US. Now when I entered CFAC, the place was pretty small. I sauntered up to the reception desk and asked how much to get it. A sweet lady named Jennifer told me that admission was free. They did accept donations, just whatever the visitors felt like giving.

I decided to give the place the old once-over before I decided on what to donate to the place. I mean, I had to take in "one of the best collections of modern art in the Rockies" for myself. It was not too bad as collections go. There were a lot of weird abstract pictures, stuff I'm not a big fan of. I prefer the old stuff like Greek and Roman statues because they put lifelike genitals on them. I mean, it takes a lot of skill to carve a realistic twig & berries out of marble. The more I examine these statues, the more I believe that there may be something to this Darwin character & evolution. Stay with me: you never see a John Holmes like appendage on any Greek or Roman statue. They usually look normal. So, over the course of a few centuries, humans have evolved to in some specimens an enormous dingle-hopper to skewer unsuspecting nymphos. What I can't seem to figure out is why? What is the biological advantage? Anywho, I took my tour and dropped $5 in the donation box so they can keep the lights on in the place.

So what's the big deal that you had to hightail it out of Rock Springs? Well, I went to a gas station to fill up the EuroVan before leaving town, we'll call it a Smexxon/Globil station. I went up to the pump (pump 9 for luck) and swiped my card. It doesn't work. I check to make sure I have the magnetic strip facing the right direction (I am a blonde) and try it again. No dice. I rub the card to make sure that there's no dirt or gunk on it and try it again. Strike 3. I try to lift the lever and start pumping. No workie. It was at that point that the clerk comes on over the little loudspeaker at the pump and says "You have to prepay." I tell her "the card reader isn't working, can you just turn it on?" She asks "Did you swipe your card in the machine?" I said "Yes." She said, "Was it turned the right way?" I said "Yes." She said "Are you sure?" I said, "I tried it 3 times and it didn't work. I checked to make sure the card was turned the right way." She said "Why don't you try another card?" Now I was getting mad. I walked into the store and up to the counter. That's when I saw the bitch. She looked like a red-header version of Avril Lavigne, except that she was a 200 pound fat cow. I handed her my card and said "Can you run it in here?" She rolled her eyes at me and said "I'm gonna have to reset the pump," and then just stood there chewing her gum at me.

I said "Well you better get to it then." She narrowed here eyes at me, and started punching buttons and swiped my card. The register booped at her. She sighed and did it again. Another boop. She hands me back my card and said "Your card doesn't work. You're going to have to pay cash." I'm sure she meant well, but her attitude had got the best of me. "My card worked the last time I used it, so why don't you run it again?" I made sure to give her my best "crazy eyes." She said "Either you pay with cash or get lost." I must admit that at this point things got a little out of hand. I reached into my wallet and laid out 2 crispy Ben Franklins on the counter. I also nonchalantly loosened Mitch's straps. I asked her to put $25 on pump 9. She said "What's the other $175 for?" I said "For this, bitch!" I then proceeded to swing Mitch around, knocking a display of lotto tickets to the ground, also laying waste to the Jerry's Kids bucket, a Tic-Tac display and some Jack Link's beef jerky. I then took a lunge at the tart and connected with her right forearm, leaving a nice red mark. The yelp of pain and surprise was very satisfying. I then strapped Mitch back on and put $25 of gas into my car and took off. I had to get off the Interstate and take a number of back and side roads until I got into Nebraska (I crossed at Lyman, NE) and made my way hither and thither until I couldn't drive anymore and camped in the EuroVan near Lemoyne. After that I did manage to get back on the Interstate in North Platte after another gas stop (the card work fine, thank you) and took off and tried not to look to conspicuous.

So, if you're traveling through far western Wyoming, I recommend that you stop at the CFAC, say hello to Jennifer and take in their collection, it is definitely worth $5.