Three Cheers For The Little Guy

There is a strong belief this country in what I call the American Myth. The belief that the little guy can overcome enormous obstacles and win against all odds, regardless of the humbleness of their background. The belief that with hard work, dedication and the will to achieve that you can accomplish anything. This myth has been perpetuated by our schools, and entertainment. Indeed we are bombarded by movies showing us how inner city kids can overcome the enormous odds that are stacked against them: poverty, drug use, teen pregnancy, gang violence, illiteracy, etc. by learning calculus from Edward James Olmos. Let's take a real look at it. How many Presidents of the United States did not graduate from an Ivy League university or were not influential war heroes? How many Presidents of the United States have not been white males? This country is theoretically founded on the belief that all men are created equal, but that equality is an illusion. Those of privileged status have the upper hand. The rich get richer while the poor get poorer. The gap between the wealthy and the destitute in this country is the widest that is has ever been, and the middle class are being squeezed, resulting in an exacerbation of this condition.

It was upon this cynical stage that I witnessed something today that gave me pause. An actual accomplishment of the American Myth. I speak of the victory of Appalachian State University's football team over the Wolverines of the University of Michigan. More significant than that, the game was played upon the hallowed turf of Michigan Stadium, the Big House itself. The Michigan Wolverines entered the 2007 season ranked #5 in the AP football poll. They were even touted to be the odds-on favorite to win the Big 10 and play in the national championship game. The Wolverines came into the game winners of 12 of their last 13 home openers, and they had never played against a Division 1-AA team and lost. In fact, until that time, no top 25 team had ever been beaten by a 1-AA team. Ever. Enter the Mountaineers of Appalachian State. I had to go to Google Maps to find where Boone, NC is (87 miles west of Winston-Salem, NC). Now the Mountaineers are no slouch 1-AA team, they have won the national championship at that level for the last 2 years in a row. But let's be honest, there are no high school prep all-starts playing football at Appalachian State.

I have always been critical of the tradition in college football to schedule a woefully overmatched division 1-AA team as the first game of the season. An opportunity for the big beefy guys to chew up and spit out the poos schmoes on the other team as a tune-up for the conference schedule. A way to run up the score and make the alumni chuckle and hand over lots of chash. Boise State University was no different. They annihilated Weber State University 56-7 last Thursday (the touchdown Weber State scored was when they put in the marching band in the game in favor of the 3rd stringers late in the 4th quarter. The marching band scored 10 points of their own). If teams really want to compete for a national championship, then they should play tough schedules and win all of their games. It's that simple. Man up and play the big teams for your non-conference schedule to prove that you're worth all of the hype. Well, it appears that the scheduling gurus in Ann Arbor got a little more than what they bargained for. Appalachian State just gave Penn State, Ohio State and all of the other teams in the Big 10 the blueprints to dismantle the Wolverines. I wouldn't be surprised if Michigan loses 3 more games (Penn State, Wisconsin, Ohio State) and finish 8-4 and get a bid to play in the We Suck Bowl against San Jose State.

The Mountaineers of Appalaichan State have changed my view of the American Myth. It truly is possible for a David to slay a Goliath. The Wolverines can make all the excuses they want, but the bottom line is that a team of men with nothing to lose came into their house, played harder, executed better, and walked away with the greatest upset in the history of college football. I'm awaiting the coach's resignation, as should the athletic director. Michigan's season is over. Every player on the team will forever be remembered at "the team that lost to Appalaichan State." Congratulations to the Appalaichan State Mountaineers. You have changed me from dismissing the American Myth to being a believer in the American Dream. I have also now decided to move to the great state of North Carolina, incubator of greatness and the proving ground where those who want to seize the American Dream can find what it takes to become truly special. I plan to go online and apply to graduate school at Appalachian State University first thing on Tuesday!

Sometimes I Wonder

On occasion, I have been known to "get sticky" and go on a little bit of a philosophical journey, a sort of vision quest without the freaky hallucinations associated with LSD or mushrooms. And sometimes I wonder about stuff. I used to keep a journal with me and when I could remember to, I would jot down what it was that puzzled me. I lost that journal when I moved from my last apartment into my current one. I was bummed out as you would expect. Well, I went to the local liquor store to get boxes for moving my stuff. If you didn't already know this, liquor boxes are the best boxes to use for moving because they're super sturdy and they give them away for free. They're the perfect size for books, dishes, DVDs, CDs and knick-knacks. Just give me some Cutty Sark boxes and some duck tape and I'm good to go.

So I was going through my CD collection to sort out the ones I want to keep an the ones I want to take down and sell, and buried in a box of CDs from the last move is my journal. I was so excited! I dropped everything, got a frosty can of Pepsi Max and settled in to read. It brought back a bunch of memories, and it also had quite a few ramblings that at the time they were written probably made sense, but now they are either incohesive, incomprehensible or just plain silly. I have selected a few and reprinted them here. It helps if you use the phrase "sometimes I wonder" in front of the thought (and sometimes not!). Enjoy!

Sometimes I wonder...

• Why is it that women go to the bathroom in groups when only one of them has to pee?
• When will I stop dreaming that I have 2 healthy, regular legs? Why can't I dream that I have one regular leg and one bionic leg?
• Why doesn't Canada just give up being it's own country and become part of the USA? Except for Quebec. I hate French people. And dogs. And children. And Jimmy Smits. Jimmy Smits has to move to Quebec. And when Canada is part of the USA they have to give us all their maple syrup and stop saying "aboot."
• Where farts get their smell from.
• Why Leeza Gibbons doesn't change her name to Lisa. She's a pretentious cow.
• If Lewis and Clark had any gay people on their expedition. I bet if they did, they would know how to make clothes out of animal skins that would match their shoes. But they probably got killed by Lewis. Not Clark, he was a straight shooter.
• If you had narcolepsy and sleep apnea would you snore yourself awake after you fell asleep in the board meeting?
• Is it really necessary for Danny Devito to be married to Rhea Perlman? Aren't there enough tiny ugly people in the world?
• If Arnold Schwarzennegger and Maria Shriver's kids have giant block shaped heads.
• Why Jesus turned water into wine. Why didn't her turn water into Dr. Pepper? Talk about a miracle! There isn't even an Aramaic word for Dr. Pepper. Scholars would have to had invented one, like pliktaal or greele. And then at communion, you could have bread and Dr. Pepper, which is like, way more tasty and 10 times more impressive, because they didn't have Dr. Pepper back in the day. You need a new drink for a new covenant. I wonder how much they would charge for Dr. Pepper now if Jesus had made it. Probably like your soul. And $1.29.
• What happens to the sock the dryer ate? Did it go to sock heaven or sock hell?
• What myocardial infarction means. I think it should mean you get the day off from work and a free pizza.
• Why there are only 24 hours in a day? Why not 25? I don't think anyone would notice.
• What happened to the good old days when if you were a girl that got pregnant then they sent you away to a farm and you were gone from your hometown for a year and then came back and acted like nothing happened and you told everyone that you visited your Aunt in Jersey but everyone knew that you were lying and your dad became a drunk and beat up your mom because it was her fault that you were a tramp and you got a job at the diner slinging hash and pouring joe and then you got swept off your feet bay a carnie and had 3 more kids that grew up to despise you and you died old and alone? Those were the days.

My Batman Story

Some of you may be wondering how I plan to relocate across the country from a financial perspective. Well, in addition to my 6 months "paid administrative leave" (let's call it what it is, severance) which amounts to a little over $30,000, I have a nest egg of $50,000 squirreled away in addition. How did I get that nest egg you ask? The short answer is Batman. Don't worry, I will elaborate.

I was in downtown Chicago in early August at a conference on NCAA competition. It was super-snore lame and boring, but my boss (Mr. Annoying Nosehair) said I had to go after the Xerox incident of July 12th, so I went along. I don't think it was possible for me to care any less about whether they kick off from the 30 or 40 yard line or what color of yellow the referee's flags are...BORING. At one point, I seriously considered taking Mitch off and beating a guy from Notre Dame to death. He kept going on and on about revenue sharing and crap like that. I was sitting in the row right behind him. He had red hair and a mole on the back of his neck that was about the size of a quarter. He kept yammering on and I started falling asleep. I didn't mean to, but the night before I went to a club and had a couple 7-8 drinks and chased it with with a blunt.

Anywho, this cat is going on, and all of a sudden, this huge mole starts talking to me. It said, "Hey, sweet cheeks, how about a kiss." I said, "Get bent, turkey." It says, "What, is the one-legged freak too good to make out with me? I'm in demand!" I said, "You better be very careful, because my brother is in the Marines and he showed me how to kill someone with my bare hands." The mole said "Girl, you are as dumb as a sack of hammers!" I said "That's it!" As it turns out, I shouted "That's it!" out loud, just as the Red Baron was getting wound up. He spun around and gave me the ojo, and flopped down in his seat and shut up. I was pretty embarrassed. Later on during a 15-minute break, a couple of people from the University of Washington came by and thanked me for shutting the gasbag up. Pretty sweet, right?

But that's not what I wanted to tell you. When I was in Chicago, they were filming some scenes for the upcoming movie Batman: The Dark Knight. Apparently, Gotham City looks alot like downtown Chicago at night. I was walking to dinner at a place called the Elephant & Castle to have a pint and some shepherd's pie, and I see this sign that says not to walk down the street unless you wanted to be caught on camera. I thought, AWESOME! This could be a trailblazing moment for amputees around the world. They were filming a scene with the "Batmobile" (it looked more like a tank) racing around town. The director told us that we were supposed to cross the street, and then the Batmobile would come screaming down the street and we were supposed to run and dive out of the way all the while screaming bloody murder. I was game so I got into position. We stood around for like, an hour waiting for them to get the cameras placed and all of the lights just so, and then the director called action. We all started walking, and the Batmobile comes whizzing around the corner all loud and crazy. The director shouted, "Run!" so everyone started running. I was towards the end of the line, and something in my head went snark-o and I just froze about 2/3 of the way into the street. I could hear people screaming "Move!", "Run!", "My God, she's going to die!" I was able to take 2 or 3 more steps towards the sidewalk and I got clipped by the Batmobile.

I went sailing like 10 feet and landed in a flower box full of tulips. Mitch went careening off and got stuck up in a tree. The director was freaking out, yelling "Cut! Holy crap, cut!" I had the wind knocked out of me, but because I landed in the relatively soft dirt of the flower box, I was not injured, no broken bones, nothing! Just a couple deep tissue bruises and night vision. Wild, right? The director came running over, he was crying and asked if I was OK, and please don't sue us, and crap. I said "Where's my leg?" He looked down at me and passed out; dropped like a lead balloon. Some makeup lady helped me out of the flowers. By that time, some lighting dude (called a best boy, whatever that means) had got Mitch out of the tree and gave it back to me. I put it back on and dusted myself off. The producer went into cardiac arrest and they had to call an ambulance for him.

I agreed not to sue or otherwise hold the studio responsible in exchange for a walk-on part in the movie and $50,000 (they paid in cash). There's a scene at a restaurant and I walk by in the background. I'm wearing a pearl-colored cocktail dress, and they put this cool thing that looked like a real leg over Mitch so I looked like a normal person and gave me some falsies. I'm definitely going to consider augmentation because I looked HOT! Pretty cool, right? So, next summer when it comes out, be looking for me (unless I end up on the cutting room floor).

Love Idaho Style

Well, the great State of Idaho got a bit of a black eye courtesy of 3-term U.S. Senator Larry Craig. I hope for the sake of his family and fellow Idahoans that the Senator did not in fact solicit sex in the bathroom at the Minneapolis/St. Paul airport. It is of particular importance that if it indeed turns out to be true then the Moral Majority has lost a vocal supporter. Senator Craig is up for reelection in 2008. You can bet he will not receive my vote. I can put up with a guy who just made an honest mistake or even has a few character flaws. But a hypocrite, well that's a tougher pill to swallow. Senator Craig's record in Congress has reflected the values of his constituents: pro opposite-sex marriage, anti-gay in the military, conservative, demanding better schools, lower taxes and strong enforcement of immigration laws that keep illegal aliens out of the country. To find out that this dichotomy of conservative legislator and alleged participant in gay sex exists is tough for both me and Mitch to swallow.

I was watching liberal fuzzbag Larry King's program last night and he had on his panel of guests Dr. Drew Pinsky (of Loveline fame co hosted by Adam Corolla) on the panel. I almost flipped past it, but he made a statement which floggle-plated me so much that I hit rewind on my DVR to make sure that I didn't misunderstand it. Dr. Drew was asked what percentage of the American population was gay. He said no one knew for sure, but the 10% number is thrown around alot. He also said that AIDS research has shown a growing group of men have sex with other men but are not gay. How the hell does that work? "Well officer, I was walking through the park minding my own business and whoops my wedding tackle fell into a chicken eye that just happened to be there, but I'm not gay!" I could see maybe one time a guy (or a lady) tries it out Freshman year in college to see what it might be like. Somehow my gut tells me that after that initial trial offer that you would definitely know that you were or were not gay.

My own cooter is a boy's only zone, reserved for making precious babies for Jesus. I have yet to field any marriage proposals, but should the right fella ask, then he will have exclusive access paradise. Ladies take heed: yes I am devastatingly beautiful, yes I am adventurous, yes I like to party, yes I have a prosthetic limb and yes, I am a natural blonde. But I am 100% man candy, sweets for the sweet. You must have an XY set of chromosomes to take me home. That's my policy. As for the alleged misconduct on behalf of Senator Craig, he has already been shot, stabbed, tarred and feathered in the court of public opinion. I hope that he has the decency to resign and open a hamburger stand. I will eat at that hamburger stand and tell him when I see him that if he had a fidelity problem, next time go with fat female interns from California. You can't even get impeached for that.

Bands That Should Consider Reuniting For Cancer

I was puffing on some SoCal Gold this morning and a Gordon Lightfoot song came on. Now I realize that Gordon Lightfoot isn't a band, per se, but I think that he and other soft rock heroes shold come together and put on a show. Kind of like Ozzfest for old farts. Think about it, it could be great! They could team up and raise money for like the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Research Foundation, or maybe Jerry's Kids or something. They should call it AM Gold: Crooners for Cancer, or maybe Has Beens for Hope. I sat around my place and thought of what the lineup should be. This is what I came up with:

• Harry Chapin (Cat's on the Cradle)
• Dan Fogelberg (Longer)
• The magic of Doug Henning
• Grand Funk Railroad (Some Kind of Wonderful)
• Captain & Tennille (Love Will Keep Us Together)
• Intermission
• Gordon Lightfoot (Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald)
• Peter, Paul & Mary (Puff The Magic Dragon)
• The ventriloquism of Willie Tyler & Lester
• Earth, Wind & Fire (Shining Star)
• Neil friggin' Diamond (September Morn) with special guest John Denver (Country Roads)

Then I went online and did a little research. I had to change the lineup somewhat. I was not aware of this, but apparently, John Denver perished in a plane crash in 1997. Don't give me any crap...I was in friggin' Africa at the time. The only news I got was about a crazy old man named Mobutu in the next village over that among other things tried to strap wings made out of aluminum foil and paint stirrers to his arms and ride a bike over a cliff in an attempt to fly. As it also turns out, flamboyant magician Doug Henning died of liver cancer in February of 2000 (who knew?). So instead of him filling some time between Dan Fogelberg and Grand Funk Railroad, I thought of iconic 70's comedians Richard Pryor, Red Foxx or Buddy Hackett. Unfortunately, all of them are dead too. So were the other 70's comedians I could think of like John Belushi and Chevy Chase. I was beginning to struggle to find another variety act. I wanted to stay away from having more than one ventriloquist, so Shari Lewis & Lamb Chop were out. Then it hit me: what says 1977 better than Captain Kangaroo? Son of a bitch he's dead too. So is Jim Henson. Well crap. I didn't want to do this, but I'll just have to go with J.J. "DYNOMITE" Walker, although I was never a big fan of What's Happenin' (except for Rerun. I am one hell of a Rerun dancer.).

I think once I finish this bag of Doritos (Cool Ranch) and nosh on a few Toll House cookies, I'll see if my buddy Zack knows any concert promoters. This could be huge with the 35-60 year old demographic and may also draw in some younger cats into nostalgia music. Or I may just go and get a couple of pints of Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby. That stuff is the bomb!

Things To Do In Boise When You're Unemployed

Other than gas money, I made it my personal goal today to have a day out on the town for free..nada, zippo, zilch, gratis, complimentary. In all it was a very successful and fun endeavor. I have catalogued the outing and encourage anyone to follow suit the next time they come to Boise. To be fair, it would also be helpful if you had a prosthetic leg or a wheelchair or a speech impediment, as that tends to garner pity which is a leverageable commodity.

• Zoo Boise -355 Julia Davis Dr., Boise - That's right, Zoo Boise because Boise Zoo wasn't descriptive enough. Now if you don't already have one, get a handicapped parking permit. It gets you close to the front gate and comp parking. I got a great spot close in and went up to the front gate. Admission is $4, but when I told them that I was an amputee and that I had just been diagnoses with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma and I just wanted to be with the Ocelot and other small cats one last time, they let me in for free. I had to work up a couple of tears though (I recommend rubbing a little Tabasco in your nose, it works every time). Be sure to check out the primates...they like to throw their poop at unsuspecting senior citizens...which is friggin' AWESOME!
• City of Life Home for Women & Children 472 Caldwell Blvd., Nampa - I was hungry after tapping on the glass in the reptile house, so I went off in search of a free meal. The good people at the COLHFW&C were ready to oblige. Their welcome center was very neat and clean, but it did have the faint odor of despair and hopelessness (I fit right in). I came in and told them I was hungry and they took me back to their kitchen for a meal of spaghetti and garlic bread. One of the volunteers asked me about my leg, I told him I stepped in a bear trap in Pocatello (the look on his face was priceless). Whatever you do, it is apparently considered bad form when given a free meal at a soup kitchen to ask if they had anything else in the back besides what they are serving. They get a little feisty. I considered stealing a blanket but decided against it. It was time to move on.
• Boise Art Museum - 670 Julia Davis Dr., Boise - Next stop, the BAM! Just for schitzengiggles, I walked up to the ticket lady and said, how much to get into the BAM!(just like that kooky Cajun freak Emeril...I even did the threatening hand move) today? She indicated I could get in for free but that the recommended donation was $10. I indicated Mitch and told her "I gave my leg in Afghanistan for your freedom! Isn't that enough for you?" and strode past. BAM's(!) Permanent Collection of 2,300 works of art focuses on 20th century American art with a long-standing emphasis on artists of the Pacific Northwest, American Realism and ceramics. BAM's(!) Collection also includes a survey of European and non-Western artwork designed to provide a broader context for the overall Collection. Which goes to say it was boring. I had fun by sidling up to some stuff that looked like Jackson Pollock. Any time someone would come close to have a look, I said "I don't understand the value of some monkey flinging paint at a canvas like it was poop. I want my friggin' money back!" It was a scream. Another good gag is to stand by a Greek or Roman statue that has a leaf where the dinglehopper used to be and say loudly "That's not a very realistic looking penis!" and then walk away in disgust. It freaks people out (and in my case, gets you thrown out as well).
• Neuorlux 111 N. 11th, Boise - Well, after geeting tossed from the BAM(!), I was thirsty, so I headed over to a great bar in downtown Boise (yes, they do have bars in Boise). I got there at 4:00, it was happy hour and there was no cover charge for hot, single, 1-legged blonde bombshells (or any other ladies for that matter) like me. They had an ample supply of beer nuts and plenty of easy marks for a drink. I walked over to a group of guys sitting at a table and said "which one of you guys is going to buy me and Mitch a drink?" I hooked one guy right away. "Who's Mitch?" he says. "My friggin' prosthetic leg...and hea wants to party! Dig it?" The guy was caught off guard, his buddies immediately looked at my legs. Now I was wearing sweatpants at the time. I told the guy "If you can guess which legg is fake, just by looking at it, you can buy me a drink." He looks me up and down and says. "The right one." "Wrong, it was the left, now buy me a friggin' drink!" He did. 3 hours and 6 beers later we were making out. That's as far as he got though, I'm not a whore. I did manage to get his phone number in case I ever want to go on a real date.

After that I climbed into my new Eurovan and drove back to my apartment. All in all it was a good day. And I only spent about $6.50 in gas money. Give it a try the next time you're in Boise.