How to make booze in prison

Good evening my faithful friends! You may be asking yourself, "Dana, did you learn anything from your experience in prison?" The answer my friends is an unqualified YES! I learned plenty of things:

1. Don't cry your first night in prison or you become the bitch of a 300-pound Polynesian lesbian named Ruthie.
2. The corn dogs don't have sticks in them. Apparently, they can be fashioned into shivs.
3. For a pack of Marlboro Reds, you can get anything...anything.
4. You can make wine in the toilet in your cell.

I won't lie to you, prison hooch (aka Pruno) lacks the heady apple-laden bouquet and sophistication of a good Pinot Noir. In fact, the shit is so vicious that it gave my cell mate Danielle Bell's Palsy. It does help you forget that you are in prison. It helps you forget everything (very high on the blackout factor). I have printed the recipe below. Feel free to make it yourselves, but please note the following disclaimer:

You will need professional medical attention if you drink any of this stuff. Do not give this stuff to children...CPS will bust your ass. Do not drink this yourself...you may experience cramping, dizziness, nausea, diarrhea, bloating, vertigo, sweating, flatulence, loquacity, syncope, coma or any combination of these symptoms. Do not give this to any domesticated animals...PETA will bust your ass. If you are stupid enough to make this, I cannot be held responsible for what happens to your dumb ass. Here's the recipe:

1. Make a strong bag by using two small trash bags, placed one inside the other. Place a fruit of your choice and fruit cocktail inside the bag. Seal bag.
2. Mash the fruit and fruit cocktail inside the bag with your hand. Fill the sink with hot water and place the bag into water. Let sit for 15 minutes. Make sure water does not cool; add more hot water, if necessary.
3. Take the bag from water, and wrap it in a towel to keep it warm. Leave for 48 hours while the fruit ferments. If it's warm outside, leave the bag in a safe place outdoors.
4. Add sugar and ketchup. Use about 50 sugar cubes. If using yeast or moldy bread, add that as well. Reseal the bag, and run under hot water for 30 minutes or until the sugar is fully absorbed.
5. Heat the bag in hot water for 15 minutes once a day for three days. Leave wrapped in a towel. Check often; the bag swells as gases are released. It may pop. When ready, separate the mashed fruit from the liquid, and there you have your wine.

Cheers, turkey lips!