Hey NFL, How About A New Franchise?

Hey! Pssst! Commissioner Goodell! I'm talking to you! Come here! I'm a lifetime football fan. By football I mean 350 pound sweathogs beating the snot out of each other in the trenches, rocket-armed quarterbacks slinging pigskins like a cook slings hash, ruinning backs with more moves than U-Haul and receivers that do a touchdown dance choreographed by Alvin Ailey; not that soccer BS. The only reason soccer is the most played game world wide is that 3rd world countries can afford the equipment: a ball (shoes are optional). You will not find any more rabid real football fan anywhere else.

Dude, listen. I have noticed that there are a couple of, shall we say, lower performing franchises in the league. They fail to draw a crowd, they get beaten like a red-headed stepchild, and in many cases they are overshadowed by better franchises withing their home state. I speak of the Houston Texans (the bitch of the Cowboys) and the Buffalo Bills. You should have known that when the Oilers left town for the hills of Tennessee despite having gone to the AFC Championship game (losing to the then dominant Bills who were ultimately victimized by the Cowboys) and having great players like Warren Moon on the team, there was no reason to put a franchise back in Houston. The team stinks, the management is inept and the University of Houston Cougars draw a bigger crowd. The stadium is great. They can really pack in a great crowd for the annual Houston Rodeo and a George Strait concert. Don't even get me started on the Bills. The fans in Buffalo should be getting a check from the NFL for having to put up with bad coaching and average performance on the field. When Jim Kelly, Thurman Thomas et al left, they took the magic with them.

So what to do? I suggest that you move one of these two once good but now sad teams to Boise. We have a fantastic stadium already available on the campus of Boise State. The closest other franchises are the Denver Broncos, Seattle Seahawks and San Franciso 49ers. The climate is great for football. We support our teams rabidly. You could change the name from the Buffalo Bills to the Boise Mountain Cats or the Idaho Wranglers or the Boise Barnstormers or something (I would go with the Mountain Cats). You'll sell out every game whether or not you win and we would be so thrilled to have a team we would like waive taxes and crap. It would be sweet! Seriously...think about it. It would give you something else to do besides suspend all of the players in the league. Peace out...go Mountain Cats!

The Courage To Face The Day

It isn't easy having one leg. Sometimes I even get a little depressed when I dwell a little too long on Mitch. I think that's what led to my first experimental and later recreational and then a little later occupational use of stinkweed. There have been a couple of celebrities that I have come to admire because they too either are or have portrayed characters that are extremitally challenged. Their courage in the face of adversity has given me the strength to continue on. Not to mention that I'm not a quadriplegic or have to eat out of a tube or poop in a bag. That would suck.

Of course, I'm talking about Arija Bareikis and Robert David Hall. I know, household names, right? I'm sure that everyone knows Arija from her prominent role in my all time favorite movie Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo. She played the role of Kate, Deuce's love interest and other half. The character of Kate is a single-leg amputee like me, and she is portrayed lovingly and with genuine heart and emotion. She's smart, attractive and successful as a nurse in a hair transplant doctor's office. She is a great role model for me and my fellow amputees. The chemistry between Arija, or Argie as I call her, and that toad Rob Schneider is truly electric. Not only that, I found out that Argie attended Stanford and studied at the Actor's Studio in New York. She got to see and smell James Lipton himself! What an honor!

Robert David Hall is a double-leg amputee and is best known for his work in CSI, or CSI: Sin City as I like to call it. He's the creepy medical examiner dude with a heart of gold. He also did 6 episodes of Life Goes On that starred Shannen Doherty and some egghead kid called Corky. When I lived in Africa, the local tribes people would beat the parents of a mentally or physically handicapped child to death when the child turned 13 years old. Good times...good times. Lamoni and Teena never did tell me what they did with the handicapped kids themselves though. Hmm. Oh well. Robert David Hall should be nominated for an Emmy and win every year because he has to work in crutches, which is much harder than standing around and looking menacing like that douche bag that plays Lt. Brass. What a tool.

Argie and RDH have been inspirational to me. They are prrof to the world that there is no need to shun amputees from society. We work herder than many people who have not been disabled nad we care more about what we do. We are not circus freaks. We have feelings too. I was surfing the web recently and came across a website devoted to actors that are amputees. Listen up Hollywood! This website http://www.amputeeresource.org/ is the place to find your next Argie or RDH! Pay particular attention to Lacey as she has serious action heroine potential! And don't try and pull any of you casting couch shenanigans, because if I find out you're messing with any of my peeps and you are doing any filming on location in Boise, I'll cut you!