The Juice Is At It Again

Well, it seems that that rascally running back has run afoul of the law again. It seems as though everybody's favorite alleged murderer is also tyring his hand at burglary. According the the story from the AP (reprinted below), OJ has abandoned his status as Officer Nordberg from Police Squad in favor of the role of Danny Ocean, as he was implicated in a break-in at the Las Vegas casino room of auction house owner Tom Riccio. Riccio...that's not a mob name or anything. I wouldn't be surprised if the Juice got a little loose at the crap table and broke in to steal stuff to cover the tab before he would up with a couple of broken legs, what with not being able to capitalize on his "If I Did It Book." Wowsers. I hope that he was in Vegas looking for the real killer.

By KATHLEEN HENNESSEY and LINDA DEUTSCH, Associated Press WritersSeptember 14, 2007
LAS VEGAS (AP) -- Investigators questioned O.J. Simpson and named him a suspect Friday in a confrontation at a casino hotel room involving sports memorabilia. The former football star acknowledged going to the room to get property he said was stolen from him but denied breaking in.
Simpson told The Associated Press auction house owner Tom Riccio called him several weeks ago to say some collectors "have a lot of your stuff and they don't want anyone to know they are selling it."
Simpson, who was in Las Vegas for a friend's wedding, said he arranged to meet Riccio at the hotel and conducted a "sting operation."
"Everybody knows this is stolen stuff," Simpson said. "Not only wasn't there a break-in, but Riccio came to the lobby and escorted us up to the room. In any event, it's stolen stuff that's mine. Nobody was roughed up."
Investigators were reviewing a complaint of a break-in at the hotel late Thursday night, police spokesman Jose Montoya said.
"When they talked to him, Simpson made the comment that he believed the memorabilia was his," Montoya said. "We're getting conflicting stories from the two sides."
Simpson is considered a suspect in the case, Montoya said. He was released after he and several associates were questioned, and he remained in Las Vegas.
"We don't believe he's going anywhere," Montoya said.
The Heisman Trophy winner, ex-NFL star and actor lives near Miami and has been a tabloid staple since his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend Ron Goldman were killed in 1994. Simpson was acquitted of murder charges, but a jury later held him liable for the killings in a wrongful death lawsuit.
Simpson has had to auction off his sports collectibles, including his Heisman Trophy, to pay some of the $33.5 million judgment awarded in the civil trial.
On Thursday, the Goldman family published a book about the killings that Simpson had written under the title, "If I Did It," about how he would have committed the crime had he actually done it. After a deal for Simpson to publish it fell through, a federal bankruptcy judge awarded the book's rights to the Goldman family, who retitled it "If I Did It: The Confessions of a Killer."
Fred Goldman, Ron's Goldman's father, defended the family's decision to publish the book. He noted Simpson's penchant for breaking headlines.
"He brings attention to himself every time we turn around and he will continue to do that forever," Goldman said Friday on NBC's "Today Show."
The Las Vegas district attorney's office will decide whether to pursue charges in the casino case, but had not received police paperwork by Friday morning, an office assistant said.
Simpson had been scheduled to give a deposition Friday in Miami in a bankruptcy case involving his eldest daughter. But it was rescheduled because Simpson had told attorneys that he would be out of town.
The Palace Station, an aging property just west of the Las Vegas Strip, is one of several Station Casinos-owned resorts that cater to locals. The 1,000-room hotel-casino, with a 21-story tower and adjacent buildings, opened in 1976.
A company spokeswoman did not immediately return a call for comment.
AP Special Correspondent Linda Deutsch reported from Los Angeles. Associated Press writer Tony Winton in Miami contributed to this report.

Where Have All The Good Practical Jokes Gone?

Remember when you could pull pranks on your pals and not get sued or arrested? Remember life before caller ID? You could call a bowling alley and ask the clerk if he had 12 pound balls, and when he said yes, you said "then how do you walk?" and hung up. Those were the days. I was reminiscing the other day and decided to look up classic practical jokes. I have listed some of my favorites and put up a poll to vote for your favorite. You can't do any of these now without Homeland Security arresting you and shipping you off to Gitmo, but they were a riot back in the day!

• Icy Hot in the jockstrap - This one happened to my bother Turk. He was a real douche to one of the smaller guys on his 9th grade football team, always giving the kid a hard time (we'll call him "Leonard"). Finally after getting the business one too many times from Turk, Leonard put a healthy dose of Icy Hot in Turk's jockstrap. The resulting screaming fit and eventual shoving of a water hose down his pants led to Turk changing schools from embarrassment.
• 12 pound balls - The aforementioned gag where you call the bowling alley. If a chick answers the phone...ABORT!
• Vaseline everywhere - This classic is cheap, easy and elicits a satisfying look of revulsion from the butt of the joke. Put Vaseline on doorknobs, phone receivers, car door handles, light switches, hairbrush handles, you name it. The look on the victim's face is priceless.
• Running refrigerator - Call the meanest old bat on your block, preferably one who is paranoid and has early-onset Alzheimer's, and ask her if her refrigerator is running. When she says yes, you say "you better go catch it!" and hang up. Do it every 4 days or so from a different pay phone each time. Eventually she'll have a stroke.
• Sign of the times - In some smaller towns, businesses, especially restaurants, advertise specials on signs with removable letters. This is a great time to change the specials from Seven Layer Lasagna $4.99 and Hot Meatball Sandwich $3.99 to Semen Sandwich $3.99 and Seven Ball Lasagna - $4.99. Make sure the cops don't see you...under cover of darkness is the best.
• Ganked Kool-Aid - This one is a great one to play on kids. Pour out their Kool-Aid. Put in water, 3 tablespoons of salt and red food coloring. Shake, serve and skedaddle. It's friggin' awesome!
• Free legal advice - Go down to your local county courthouse. Post a notice that says free legal advice, no charge unless you win your case. Then post you friend's phone number. Sweet!

Feel free to comment with you own favorite classic practical jokes and gags!

Remembering 9/11 And The Return To "Normalcy"

As I reflect on the 6-year anniversary of the devastating attacks on the World Trade Center in 2001, I have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that it really has been 6 years. Where has the time gone? What have I done with that time? It seems like it was only yesterday that it happened. I will never forget where I was when it happened. I was on my way to my Feminist Theories class at Weber State. I stopped into the Shepherd Union to get a strawberry smoothie. When I got into the food court area, the place was eerily quiet and everyone was crowded around the TV which was showing CNN. It was about 6:55 AM (mountain time). I wandered up to a guy who was standing there in disbelief. I asked him what happened. He said a plane had crashed into the north tower of the World Trade Center. I asked if it was an accident. He said he didn't know. I stood there watching the report, flames spewing from the building. The reporters were as bewildered as the rest of us. At 7:03 I watched in horror as the second plane smashed into the south tower...I watched it happen. The guy beside me said "holy shit." It was then that I knew that it wasn't an accident. It was clear that something was amiss; two planes don't accidentally run into the WTC. I bought my smoothie from a dumbfounded clerk and went back to my dorm room. I got there at 7:40. Three minutes later, a plane crashed into the Pentagon. That was when I began to panic.

I picked up the phone and called Teena. I was numb. We talked for about an hour, but most of that time we sat on the line, each of us watching the TV and saying "Oh, Jesus" or "Oh, my God" each time a new development came on. I distinctly remember praying for the towers not to fall down. I thought that if they could just stay up, they could get everyone out and it would be okay; my life would be okay and everything would go back to normal. That was when I started crying. I couldn't stop crying. I just felt helpless and violated and angry and hurt, all at once, and I didn't even know anyone that lived anywhere near New York City. I stayed in my room all day and watched the news. I flipped from channel to channel, letting it wash over me. It was like I needed to keep seeing the pictures and hearing the reports in order for it to be real; but it was surreal at the same time. I kept thinking in the back of my mind that maybe it was just a dream, a figment caused by some undercooked pork, and that when I woke up the next day, it never would have happened. I clung to that; I needed that. I couldn't come to terms with the fact that we had been attacked on our home soil. How could they do that? How could they hijack a bunch of airplanes? How could they get flying lessons? How did they get in the country? How could they do this to us, to me? Why would they do that? What had those people done to them?

The President had come out and instructed me to go on about the "normal" business of my life which meant going to class and working part time as a server at Rooster's Brewing Company. I went to work but all we talked about was 9/11. I selfishly wanted some kind of escape. After a few days of this, I desperately needed to laugh. I needed something to be funny. I wanted someone to make a joke out of the tragedy so I could stop wallowing in self-pity. I needed something to take my fixated mind off of Osama Bin Laden, Al-Quaida, the Taliban and terrorism. If I could laugh again, that was something the terrorists couldn't take from me. If I could smile, that would be my first salvo in the war on terrorism. That would be my return to "normalcy."

It began when Saturday Night Live had their season premiere on 9/29/07. Mayor Giuliani started the show with Lorne Michaels. Rudy says "Is it okay to be funny?" to which Lorne says "Why start now?" I almost smiled. The cast went through several sketches that were written with recurring characters, but nothing that really took a stab at terrorism. I did end up smiling and chuckling a little nervously here and there (much like the audience), but I still wasn't quite comfortable. It was not until the next week 10/6/01 that I really had a good laugh. Seann William Scott was the host, and the sketch that really had me in stitches, actually in tears was Will Ferrel's "patriotic underwear" sketch where he was late to a board meeting because he was being patriotic...by wearing a US flag g-string. It was friggin' hilarious. By the time that the show was over, I felt like that although the world I lived in would never be the same again, I knew that I could at least go on living each day and that once again it was safe to laugh, and that bastard Bin Laden could never take that away from me. I have also collected and reprinted some of my favorite Osama Bin Laden jokes, because if I can laugh at that piece of crap then he has no power over me. Enjoy.

• Top 10 Ways Osama Bin Laden Can Improve His Image
  From the Late Show With David Letterman:
  10. There's no way he can improve his image. He's a murdering, soul-less asshole (there were no 9 through 1).
• How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone? Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
• Why doesn't the Taliban have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day? Because the camels can't handle it.
• What do Osama bin laden and General Custer have in common? They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!
• What do Bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common? Nothing, yet.
• Department of Homeland Security Alert - We've just been notified by Security that there have been 6 suspected terrorists working out of your office. Five of the six have been apprehended: Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.
  Our agent advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office. Security is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
  You are obviously not a suspect at this time.

Some Interesting Facts About My New Home State

Well, since my last post, I have decided to move to the great state of North Carolina, thanks in large part to the Appalachian State University Mountaineers football team's stunning upset of the Michigan Wolverines at the Big House 2 weeks ago. I have recently submitted my application for admission to "App State's" Master's degree in Industrial Technology. Combined with my degree in Women's Studies, it makes for a potent combination of sassy post-modern feminism with the practicality of diesel engine maintenance. My plan is to work on becoming a shop teacher. Not at the high school level though, because I don't want to end up like Mary Kay Letourneau and fall in love with a 12-year old Lothario. They have a program for the JUCO level. That way, if a musky-scented grease monkey gets me hot under the collar and I fall prey to the classic May/December Teacher/Student romance, I can't go to jail. I probably won't even get fired. When I was in college, my friend Linda "Easy" DiNunzio (from Jersey, that hussy) needed to get an A on the final to pass Psychology. She never even bought the book, so she went to see the professor during office hours for a little "extra credit." Let's just say that she got a C in the class (and chlamydia because that professor was a randy dude...the gift that just keeps on giving). Here's a link to my degree program http://www.tec.appstate.edu/ma/degrees.html

I've been doing some basic research on my new prospective home. I know all of the vital stuff for my home state of Idaho.

• State bird - Mountain Bluebird
• State flower - Syringa
• State tree - Western White Pine
• State nickname - Gem State
• State motto - "Esto perpetua" - May it endure forever
• State insect - Monarch butterfly

I had to look up the same information for "Nawth Cawlina"

• State bird - Cardinal
• State flower - Flowering dogwood
• State tree - Longleaf Pine
• State nickname - Tarheel State
• State motto - "Esse quam videri" - To be rather than to seem (WTF?!?)
• State insect - they don't have one, so I appoint the Hissing Cockroach as the official insect of North Carolina

North Carolina was the birthplace of James K. Polk, 11th President of the United States, and Andrew Johnson the 17th President and the first one to be impeached (the dude who was President after Lincoln was shot). Major in industries include tobbaco and poultry farming, as well as blueberries, strawberries, textiles and furniture. At 53,821 square miles, North Carolina is the 28th largest state in the US. They invented friggin' Krispy Kremes in NC...holla! North Carolina is also the birthplace of some of the hottest celebrities and athletes:

• Jaime Pressly
• Andy Griffith
• Michael Jordan
• Sandra Bullock
• Howard Cosell
• Clay Aiken
• Dale Earnhardt, Sr.
• Roberta Flack
• Catfish Hunter

I had to admit that when I found out that Jaime Pressly was a native North Carolinian, I became very excited. I'm not gay or anything, but if I got Jaime alone in a hotel room, I would totally kiss her on the mouth. She is just that hot. In fact, I'm planning a road trip to her home town of Kinston, NC to see if I can find the house she grew up in. I may try and slip down to the high school and see if I can find out which locker was hers to see if I can absorb any residual energy that she may have left behind. Any woman strong enough to tell Howard Stern on the air that he was so ugly that he "got slapped by the Jew stick" could totally kick your ass in a fight to the death. In fact, I think that if you matched her up against Sandra Bullock in a death match that Jaime would win, despite Sandra's marriage to renowned bad boy Jesse James. No doubt she picked up a few garage moves like cold-cocking you with some angle iron, but Jaime is pure white trash: she was emancipated from her parents at age 15 and was doing nude modeling by age 19. She knows how to beat the pus out of you and gouge out an eye or two. Oh yeah, she's lethal. This road trip is going to be awesome!