Musings On My Fave Treat

There are proponents of many kinds of pastries: quick breads, cakes, cookies, pies and the like. But I am here to make a stand for the greatest pastry treat known in the Western Hemisphere if not the greatest pastry known to all of God's Children - the donut (or doughnut if you like). However you spell it, the donut should be vaunted for it's versatility. It can be round, rectangular, braided, tied in knots, jelly, jam, custard or creme filled, powdered, glazed, sugar-coated or maple-dipped. They can be intermixed with your favorite fruity bits ala apple fritter. They can satisfy a large appetite ala a bear claw. Looking for a tasty donut but the regular round ones are too much to handle with your delicate fingers? Donut holes to the rescue.

Where did the donut come from you ask? Captain Hanson Crockett Gregory was the inventor of the donut with a hole in the middle. William Rosenberg, the food-franchising pioneer founded the Dunkin' Donuts chain. Rosenberg opened his first coffee and doughnut shop, called the Open Kettle, in Quincy, Massachusetts in 1948. The name was changed to Dunkin' Donuts in 1950.
According to "Donuts and the Salvation Army" - While The Army may not have invented the first donut, it can certainly take credit for [helping] the popularity of donuts today. June 4-5 marks the 61st anniversary of Salvation Army 'Donut Day" In Chicago. The tag day was established in 1938 to honor the work of World War I Salvation Army 'lassies' who prepared donuts for thousands of soldiers in World War I.

How can you make your own delicious donuts at home?

Ingredients

• 3 Tbs. shortening (Crisco, to the layperson)
• 2/3 C. sugar
• 2/3 C. milk (I like 2%)
• 1 egg, beaten
• 1 Tsp. grated nutmeg
• 3/4 Tsp. salt
• 3 C. flour
• 5 Tsp. baking powder
• Powdered sugar (for dusting your 'nuts)

Cooking Instructions

• Cream the shortening & sugar
• Add the beaten egg
• Stir in the milk
• Add nutmeg, salt, flour & baking powder
• Make a dough stiff enough to be rolled
• Roll out on a floured surface to a thickness of about 1/4 inch
• Cut out with a donut cutter
• Deep fry in hot fat/oil
• Sprinkle with powdered sugar

This recipe is one I got from my Grandmother. She used to work in a machine shop that made airplane parts during WW2. Food rationing during that time was so bad that donuts were about all she could afford to buy the ingredients for. She and her friend Muriel used to make them at home and sell them to the other factory workers to get money for luxury items. Pretty sweet, right? Enjoy a donut today, for tomorrow, you may get hit by a bus and have you jaw wired shut.

These Are My Words

I wanted to share some of my poetry with you. I focus on haiku and Limericks. Feel free to comment on my work as I am always striving to push the envelope as an artist. The first group are some of my haiku. Haiku, which is a mode of Japanese poetry, the late 19th century revision by Masaoka Shiki of the older hokku , the opening verse of a linked verse form, haikai no renga. The traditional hokku consisted of a pattern of approximately 5, 7, 5 on. The Japanese word on, meaning "sound", corresponds to a mora, a phonetic unit similar but not identical to the syllable of a language such as English.

"Technology"

Technology is,
Flying high, digital sky
Love shack; sweet my geek.

"Song of my Fear"

Blanket! Where are you?
You touch me, I can't see blue
I hate colored meats

"The Nowhere Place"

Where am I? Strange place
Am I in heaven, no grace?
It smells funny here.

"Baby Soap"

No More Tears. Label
Shouts to all consumers near.
I am clean inside.


Now here are some of my Limericks. Some are a little bit ribald, but I think that you will enjoy them. I certainly had a good time writing them. I also tried a little misdirection, a sort of "whoopsie-doo," "Bob's your uncle," "spit-spot" type of thing. I had a fabulous time writing them. Enjoy!


"Pretty Lady"

There once was a pretty young lady,
Renowned for her giblets and gravy.
She sipped at the pot and
Threw in a sock
And said that'll sell in the Navy


"The Wise Man"

I've heard of a wise man named Glenn
Who had a significant chin
His knuckles were white
He smoked from a pipe
And he got cancer and died. Moron.


"Little Dude"

Where have you gone, little dude?
You had such a great attitude.
Your smile was pearly
You showed up early,
And your artwork never came unglued.


"Bad Day at Church"

I farted in church one Sunday
I turned red and dashed on my way
The pastor fell over
The altar tipped over
And now I'm going to hell.


"Thin Girls"

I hate thin girls and here's why.
They bag the fabulous guy
Who spends tons of money
In search of some honey
And then he gets the shaft because she's a gold digging whore.

What's Up With My Picture?

Some of you may be wondering why I have chosen to put a picture of myself holding a machete and lighting up a doobie snack. I will enlighten you. My picture is from an office party we had last year. Im not very photogenic so I don't have many pictures (definitely none from the waist down). Because Mitch is off putting to most people (picture Lt. Dan's "magic legs" from Forrest Gump), I tend to wear long pants when I can get away with it. It also seems to put a damper on romantic relationships. The party was themed after Pirates of the Caribbean, and we were all supposed to dress up. Well, suffice it to say that Keira Knightley doesn't have a Mitch to deal with and a far more striking bosom and better wardrobe selection that me, so I dug around in the closet until I found this white blouse of mine with a plunging neckline. I also put on some piratey jewelry (I especially liked the hoop earrings). I also wore some pants and cut off the pants leg to expose Mitch. Now Mitch is a tungsten/steel alloy, so I had a buddy of mine named Burt Ferguson airbrush it to make it look like wood, and voila, I'm a pirate lass.

Now Burt is a character. He had an unfortunate accident while he was in the Army that left him minus the index and middle finger of his left hand. He's sketchy on the details, but I think he was too far gone on the old firewater and tried to plug the end of a double-barreled 410 shot gun like Bugs Bunny and blammo! Anyway, Burt was a lefty, so he had to train himself to use his right hand. Imagine trying to learn how to use your off hand for everything! I'm a right hand girl myself. I can't even use my left hand to draw a circle, let alone paint. So to fight off depression and to channel his inner rage into a healthy expression of emotion, Burt started painting with his right hand. His early stuff sucked rocks and lacked any cohesive sense of form and balance, but as the pain began to flow from him into the canvas, a beautiful symphony of colors, shapes, forms and ennui exploded forth and he is now one of the finest airbrush artists in the greater Boise area. He also likes to write absurdist poetry and tell jokes with no recognizable punchline. For instance:

What do you call a cross between an elephant and a rhinoceros?...Charles Manson

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?...7. Just ask Steve Young.

I mean, what the hell is that?

My coworker Zack Fardy (that's his real name) in tech support collects edged weapons from around the world. Zack is also a member of the greater Boise Society for Creative Anachronisms, which is nerd talk for tools who put on armor and play with swords because chicks think they're medieval knights and crap (idiots). Zack brought in a cutlass with his costume and he brought the machete in for me to "complete my costume." Zack also brought some of his infamous "adult juice." Zack is non-specific about the recipe of adult juice (he likes to say that he and Colonel Sanders both have an 11-ingredient blend) but I'm pretty sure that there's vodka, tequila, rum, gin and triple-sec in it along with a generous helping of cherry Kool-Aid. Anywho, we all start knocking back the adult juice, and my boss (we'll call him Mr. Obnoxious Nosehair) had a little too much juice and passed out in his office. Seeing the coast was clear, I brought out a happy stick and Zack snapped this picture of me as I was getting ready to light it up. Thank goodness we didn't get caught.

Blog Launch!

Hi! I am a sweet, sassy lady from Boise. Big ups for the 2-0-8! This is my first attempt at a blog, so to all of my friends, NO POKING FUN! For those of you who don't know me, let me give you a little background. We're pals, so we'll keep it on a first name basis.

My name is Dana. My friends call me "Thickburger," "Thicky-D," or "Lady Thick." Yes, there is a reason. I have what can only be construed as an unnatural craving for the Hardee's(TM) 1/2 pound Grilled Sourdough Thickburger. I'm not kidding, I eat one almost every day! I'm not sure where this fixation on hot, juicy, tender Angus beef came from, but I cannot rest until I get my hands wrapped around one. Just thinking about peeling the grease-stained wrapper off of my GST, catching a whiff of ketchup and mayonnaise, crisp lettuce, robust tomato and two kinds of cheese, I get moist. If you don't believe me, check out Hardee's(TM) website http://www.hardees.com for pictures (pay no attention to nutritional information, that's for jerks). One bite of the flavor explosion and you'll be hooked. Thankfully, I have an overactive thyroid so I haven't gained alot of weight from eating them. I have also found that the GST is the perfect cure for THC-induced munchies.

Let me bring you up to speed on me, as there are a number of events in my life that have shaped the person that I am today. I also find that once you know all of these things upfront, it eliminates the need for awkward chit-chat and we can just get real with each other.

1. I have a prosthesis on my left leg from the knee down.
I call it Mitch. So what the hell happened you ask? Well, it's sort of an involved story. The short version is that I broke up with my boyfriend in 8th grade and now I have Mitch. To be fair to Tyson (my 8th-grade ex), I will give you the rest of the story. Tyson and I went to school together in Boise. My parents, Lamoni and Teena (they insist that I call them by their names and not to call them Mom & Dad because that's not cool enough), decided to quit their jobs and become missionaries. So, the summer after 8th grade and we moved to the Central African Republic. I was crushed, because I thought T-Diddy & I would get married and have like, 7 kids. All girls. I even had names picked out: Laura, Lana, Lisa, Leslie, Linda, Lottie & Brigitta (I like the Sound of Music, so sue me). So I went over to T-Dawg's house and gave him the bad news. He was sad and promised to write me letters and asked me to do the same.

So on August 12, 1992 I left Boise and went to Mobaye, C.A.R. T-Skittle was true to his word, and he wrote me 1-2 times per month for the 1st 6 months. After that, the letters stopped coming, and I went into a depression. One day I was sitting on the bank of the Oubangi River and a 12-foot crocodile came out of the water and bit off my left leg from the knee down. All I remember is a flash of pain, letting out a scream, and then nothing. When I woke up, I was in the hospital. I looked down and saw a bandaged stump where my left leg used to be. I was devastated. Lamoni & Teena came and sat with me every day, and I had Teena bring me T-Biscuit's letters. I read them and re-read them every day and they helped me through the painful healing process. I was in the hospital for 4 months after the attack. I still have the letters. Maybe I'll post one sometime. So as you can see, if T-Square hadn't stopped writing to me after the 1st 6 months I was in Africa, I would never have gotten Mitch.

2. I like to smoke marijuana
Everyone has a weakness, a chink in the armor. For me, it's the chronic. I know it's illegal; so is speeding and I do that too. You never hear about someone who is stoned shooting up a post office, robbing a bank or performing fellatio for $5 on junior high kids in a dark alley downtown. That noise is for crackheads! Coniseurs of Cannibis are mellow, and we contribute to the local economy by purchasing multiple snack foods. We are also responsible for some of the best music on the planet (Black Crowes, anyone?), and we have been helping ugly, hairy, unwashed, acne-ridden college dudes score for decades! One of these days, we're going to get a President that will legalize Vitamin-THC. Until then, I'll continue to smoke incognito.

3. I love Jesus
I know it seems to be a bit of an oxymoron to endorse blunt hits and the Son of Man at the same time, but Jesus helped me through hard times. I turned to Him when I was in the hospital in Africa, and I have belonged to Him ever since. Jesus was a rebel; ahead of his time, radical. He died because he just wanted us to love each other. He is love. I don't read my Bible as much as I should, and I don't do much in the way of evangelizing. He was there for me when I needed Him the most, and that's no laughing matter. I encourage anyone who is searching, hurting, lonely, angry, jealous, betrayed to pick up a Bible and start reading Matthew 1:1 until you run out of pages. I will change your life.