Blog Launch!

Hi! I am a sweet, sassy lady from Boise. Big ups for the 2-0-8! This is my first attempt at a blog, so to all of my friends, NO POKING FUN! For those of you who don't know me, let me give you a little background. We're pals, so we'll keep it on a first name basis.

My name is Dana. My friends call me "Thickburger," "Thicky-D," or "Lady Thick." Yes, there is a reason. I have what can only be construed as an unnatural craving for the Hardee's(TM) 1/2 pound Grilled Sourdough Thickburger. I'm not kidding, I eat one almost every day! I'm not sure where this fixation on hot, juicy, tender Angus beef came from, but I cannot rest until I get my hands wrapped around one. Just thinking about peeling the grease-stained wrapper off of my GST, catching a whiff of ketchup and mayonnaise, crisp lettuce, robust tomato and two kinds of cheese, I get moist. If you don't believe me, check out Hardee's(TM) website http://www.hardees.com for pictures (pay no attention to nutritional information, that's for jerks). One bite of the flavor explosion and you'll be hooked. Thankfully, I have an overactive thyroid so I haven't gained alot of weight from eating them. I have also found that the GST is the perfect cure for THC-induced munchies.

Let me bring you up to speed on me, as there are a number of events in my life that have shaped the person that I am today. I also find that once you know all of these things upfront, it eliminates the need for awkward chit-chat and we can just get real with each other.

1. I have a prosthesis on my left leg from the knee down.
I call it Mitch. So what the hell happened you ask? Well, it's sort of an involved story. The short version is that I broke up with my boyfriend in 8th grade and now I have Mitch. To be fair to Tyson (my 8th-grade ex), I will give you the rest of the story. Tyson and I went to school together in Boise. My parents, Lamoni and Teena (they insist that I call them by their names and not to call them Mom & Dad because that's not cool enough), decided to quit their jobs and become missionaries. So, the summer after 8th grade and we moved to the Central African Republic. I was crushed, because I thought T-Diddy & I would get married and have like, 7 kids. All girls. I even had names picked out: Laura, Lana, Lisa, Leslie, Linda, Lottie & Brigitta (I like the Sound of Music, so sue me). So I went over to T-Dawg's house and gave him the bad news. He was sad and promised to write me letters and asked me to do the same.

So on August 12, 1992 I left Boise and went to Mobaye, C.A.R. T-Skittle was true to his word, and he wrote me 1-2 times per month for the 1st 6 months. After that, the letters stopped coming, and I went into a depression. One day I was sitting on the bank of the Oubangi River and a 12-foot crocodile came out of the water and bit off my left leg from the knee down. All I remember is a flash of pain, letting out a scream, and then nothing. When I woke up, I was in the hospital. I looked down and saw a bandaged stump where my left leg used to be. I was devastated. Lamoni & Teena came and sat with me every day, and I had Teena bring me T-Biscuit's letters. I read them and re-read them every day and they helped me through the painful healing process. I was in the hospital for 4 months after the attack. I still have the letters. Maybe I'll post one sometime. So as you can see, if T-Square hadn't stopped writing to me after the 1st 6 months I was in Africa, I would never have gotten Mitch.

2. I like to smoke marijuana
Everyone has a weakness, a chink in the armor. For me, it's the chronic. I know it's illegal; so is speeding and I do that too. You never hear about someone who is stoned shooting up a post office, robbing a bank or performing fellatio for $5 on junior high kids in a dark alley downtown. That noise is for crackheads! Coniseurs of Cannibis are mellow, and we contribute to the local economy by purchasing multiple snack foods. We are also responsible for some of the best music on the planet (Black Crowes, anyone?), and we have been helping ugly, hairy, unwashed, acne-ridden college dudes score for decades! One of these days, we're going to get a President that will legalize Vitamin-THC. Until then, I'll continue to smoke incognito.

3. I love Jesus
I know it seems to be a bit of an oxymoron to endorse blunt hits and the Son of Man at the same time, but Jesus helped me through hard times. I turned to Him when I was in the hospital in Africa, and I have belonged to Him ever since. Jesus was a rebel; ahead of his time, radical. He died because he just wanted us to love each other. He is love. I don't read my Bible as much as I should, and I don't do much in the way of evangelizing. He was there for me when I needed Him the most, and that's no laughing matter. I encourage anyone who is searching, hurting, lonely, angry, jealous, betrayed to pick up a Bible and start reading Matthew 1:1 until you run out of pages. I will change your life.