What's Up With My Picture?

Some of you may be wondering why I have chosen to put a picture of myself holding a machete and lighting up a doobie snack. I will enlighten you. My picture is from an office party we had last year. Im not very photogenic so I don't have many pictures (definitely none from the waist down). Because Mitch is off putting to most people (picture Lt. Dan's "magic legs" from Forrest Gump), I tend to wear long pants when I can get away with it. It also seems to put a damper on romantic relationships. The party was themed after Pirates of the Caribbean, and we were all supposed to dress up. Well, suffice it to say that Keira Knightley doesn't have a Mitch to deal with and a far more striking bosom and better wardrobe selection that me, so I dug around in the closet until I found this white blouse of mine with a plunging neckline. I also put on some piratey jewelry (I especially liked the hoop earrings). I also wore some pants and cut off the pants leg to expose Mitch. Now Mitch is a tungsten/steel alloy, so I had a buddy of mine named Burt Ferguson airbrush it to make it look like wood, and voila, I'm a pirate lass.

Now Burt is a character. He had an unfortunate accident while he was in the Army that left him minus the index and middle finger of his left hand. He's sketchy on the details, but I think he was too far gone on the old firewater and tried to plug the end of a double-barreled 410 shot gun like Bugs Bunny and blammo! Anyway, Burt was a lefty, so he had to train himself to use his right hand. Imagine trying to learn how to use your off hand for everything! I'm a right hand girl myself. I can't even use my left hand to draw a circle, let alone paint. So to fight off depression and to channel his inner rage into a healthy expression of emotion, Burt started painting with his right hand. His early stuff sucked rocks and lacked any cohesive sense of form and balance, but as the pain began to flow from him into the canvas, a beautiful symphony of colors, shapes, forms and ennui exploded forth and he is now one of the finest airbrush artists in the greater Boise area. He also likes to write absurdist poetry and tell jokes with no recognizable punchline. For instance:

What do you call a cross between an elephant and a rhinoceros?...Charles Manson

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?...7. Just ask Steve Young.

I mean, what the hell is that?

My coworker Zack Fardy (that's his real name) in tech support collects edged weapons from around the world. Zack is also a member of the greater Boise Society for Creative Anachronisms, which is nerd talk for tools who put on armor and play with swords because chicks think they're medieval knights and crap (idiots). Zack brought in a cutlass with his costume and he brought the machete in for me to "complete my costume." Zack also brought some of his infamous "adult juice." Zack is non-specific about the recipe of adult juice (he likes to say that he and Colonel Sanders both have an 11-ingredient blend) but I'm pretty sure that there's vodka, tequila, rum, gin and triple-sec in it along with a generous helping of cherry Kool-Aid. Anywho, we all start knocking back the adult juice, and my boss (we'll call him Mr. Obnoxious Nosehair) had a little too much juice and passed out in his office. Seeing the coast was clear, I brought out a happy stick and Zack snapped this picture of me as I was getting ready to light it up. Thank goodness we didn't get caught.