OJ Jailed - Held With No Bail(ed)

Well I'll be jiggered! The "authorities" in Las Vegas have thrown the book at the Juice due to his involvement in what LVPD is calling armed robbery and what OJ is calling his own "sting operation." In a related story, Florida Citrus Growers have officially changed the name of Orange Juice from "OJ," "Juice," or "Orange Juice" to "Jugo de Naranja," "Jugo," or "Naranjito" to distance themselves from Simpson. A spokesperson for the FCG was quoted "It's bad enough that he moved here from California. Now he's giving us a bad name as well. Jugo de Naranja is bound to do well with the growing Latino demographic, and will catch on with rich white suburban kids withing the next 6-12 months. Let's just pray that no Nicaraguan mass murderer named Jugo gets any press here or we'll be forced to change our name to 'jus orange,' which would be a shame because I'm not a big fan of the French."

Officially, the Juice is charged with two counts each of robbery and assault with a deadly weapon, conspiracy to commit robbery, and burglary with a deadly weapon, said Capt. James Dillon of the Las Vegas police. Simpson has declared his innocence, telling The Associated Press in an interview that there were no guns involved in what he described as a self-organized sting operation intended to retrieve some of his sports memorabilia. At a press conference, police said Simpson was implicated after police arrested one of his golfing buddies, Walter Alexander, at the Las Vegas airport. On Sunday morning, police executed search warrants at three locations and confiscated two firearms.
Alexander, of Mesa, Ariz., was charged and released on his own recognizance, sparking speculation that he is cooperating. I guess OJ just can't get the high-quality "I'll drive you around the freeway in a white Bronco with a gun to your head" kind of friends anymore. Now he can only scrape together the "I'll go along with your crazy plan, just please don't kill me" kind of friends these days. A pity. Perhaps OJ's new lawyer Yale Galanter (no, I didn't make that up) can get OJ off on the patented "irony defense."

I personally think that OJ, Tonya Harding and Lorena Bobbitt should go into business together in the New York/New Jersey based "waste management" business. Have a pesky "mess" that needs to be "cleaned up?" No problem. Our professional staff of bumbling psychopaths is available 24 hours a day to help you out. And not to worry, we'll draw so much press that no one will ever suspect that you had anything to do with the "waste disposal." We're also available for personal appearances, book signings, etc. I wonder what they would call it? Maybe "I Did It Waste Disposal," "Crazy Inc. Waste Management," or "Infamous Waste Disposal." Their slogan could be "There's no mess we can't screw up, I mean, clean up." I think Vegas needs a new ad campaign, because obviously, what happens in Vegas does not stay in Vegas.