Rough Day At Work

Well, I had a particularly bad day at work. In fact, it was awful...I got fired! Well, officially I'm on paid administrative leave, but I'm no idiot. And they did it on a Friday...jerks! I think it was total crap! For those of you who don't know me, I used to work at Boise State University in the Athletic Director's Office. What a skeezy poop-head! I worked in the development office which basically meant I would go around and ask alumni for money to support Bronco athletics. Well the Boise State Broncos can go to hell! I got fired for the stupidest reason!

There's this bitch in the office, we'll call her "Glenda" to avoid any slander charges. Well anyway, Glenda was new to the office about 6 months ago. She had the typical worthless bitch body: 5'6", 125 lbs, 34D (fake, I snuck a peek once in the bathroom) 24, 34, brown hair, green eyes and a perfect smile. She always wore an outfit that worked in the school colors of either blue, orange, white or a combination of them. She was always the first one into the office in the morning and the last one out, and she never ever hung out and partied with the rest of us. Like I said, she's a total bitch. Not to mention she snowed our boss (you remember, Mr. Obnoxious Nosehair) into thinking that she did all the work and the rest of us (she singled me out) were sandbagging it. That's crap! I worked my leg off every day kissing alumni ass to get a contribution. It was easy last year when the team was good, but there were plenty of lean times too. Try and get $5000 for the BSU soccer team and see how far you get.

So I went out on medical leave for 6 weeks back in April (I had some chemical dependency issues to iron out) and this hatchet mark Glenda starts schmoozing all of my alumni. She like totally went through my Rolodex and started calling people and saying that she was taking over my duties because I was in rehab...Rehab! As if! I just needed to get to a safe place and find the inner me, and to get to my Jesus place. It's not like I quit smoking pot and drinking, I just cut back a little. I'm of the Amy Winehouse school...rehab is for quitters. So when I get back from my vacation, she has totally snaked all my alumni and I didn't even know it. I start calling them and asking for donations, and they are all like "I already gave a donation to Glenda. She told me you were in rehab." or "Well that lovely gal Glenda already took my donation this year. I thought you were dead." I was so pissed off!

I got fired from a job in college for beating another girl's ass for waiting on one of my tables, so I knew I couldn't cold-cock the bitch, so I had to get crafty. I allegedly started a string of "bad luck" for her. One day after work she found her tires had all been slashed. Another day after lunch she found that her laptop got wet and was broken. Another day she fell asleep at work because one of the janitorial staff had slipped a Roofie in her coffee cup. My personal favorite was having her ticketed every day for a week by my buddy Dave on the BSU police force. Eventually, the dumb tramp caught on to me so I had to lay low and wait for my opportunities. I kept it on the down low for like a month and a half and started being really nice to her. I baked her my famous banana nut bread and brought her Starbucks and pretended to like the same crap she does like Oprah and lotion from Body Works. Then when her guard was down, I took one of her PowerPoint presentations she was making to the AD himself on her progress and screwed it up. That was so awesome! I guess the AD didn't think it was so funny.

They never could prove it was me who did it, but Glenda accused me of it because of all of the other stuff I had allegedly done (also unproveable...I watch CSI, I know the angles. I dare you to find a shred of concrete evidence). So they gave me 6 months paid leave so both sides could "reevaluate their positions" and crap like that. If I could afford a lawyer I'd have one go way up somebody's colon. Now I've got 6 months to find a new job or something. I think that for now I'll just hang out at home and hit the cheeba for a few weeks. Have a swell friggin' weekend.